I am TAINTED

A couple of months ago, I was barely attending a meeting about Independence Day. Our goal was to put together a worship service that was both respectful of the gift of freedom and mindful of the price given for our ultimate freedom.
I say I was barely attending, as I viewed my presence there as just a formality. I physically produce the service, after others have created it, in that I type it, try to weed out the errors, and make the copies.
Then I hear the title of a suggested Hymn. The "Battle Hymn of the Republic" in its original form is very solemn and tells a story. What it inspires in me though is a little jingle in my head. I'm trying to stop hearing "rubber coconuts" in my head with the attention of the meeting is drawn to me.
"What do you think Brenda, do you think this music has been tainted?" ...
Please don't make me answer, I'm thinking as I am still madly trying to mentally wave away the annoying and juvenile song.
Okay, we are still looking at me. "Okay, so I didn't grow up in the purest environment and yes, as a matter of fact, I have to really work at it to hear the correct lyrics because right now I am hearing "rubber coconuts" in my head."
I said it. And it is true. That was the point for that moment. A lot of us are "tainted" by the variety of juvenile lyrics to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic'. I am tainted in so many other ways.
My whole life, I have felt like I needed to defend myself as "a good person". It's really not necessary for a couple of reasons. One, if human beings were so good, we would be able to run around naked and not be taunted by laundry. We would not have to "hide" our bodies. We would not have to protect our daughters from perverts. We just are what we are. We are all a work in progress. And for those of you who are still striving for that day when you reach absolute perfection, or (EEEK) those who are sure they have reached it, I hate to be the one to tell you, but we just will not achieve perfection on this earth.
Life is messy. I am absolutely amazed by the perspective of others. I love to be able to see things through your eyes. Each time, it "taints" me. I am altered by it. I am fascinated by people who say, "Ask your husband what you should do". With such trust. I am amazed that my own life has been so colorful! I have seen things in so many different colors. My past is littered with not only distrust in men, but a real earned fear. I doubt that person had every had to overcome a hatred of men. Her perspective fascinates me. She 'tainted' me.
I always listen and review what others say about an occupation, but never view it as law. People are tainted by their own experiences at work in the same way.
I am tainted by the word "Synergy". I view it is a dangerous entity ready to pounce and suck the soul out of a company and turn it into a file. Others may view it as the happy definition at the beginning of a presentation. After being surrounded by this word for a year, and watching this word get the "reward" for destroying the "community" and "family" that was making employment more than just a paycheck, it conjured images of the "BLOB". It brought distrust and misgivings. I am tainted by the DT spin on "Synergy".
Just a few months ago, I saw my own life quite differently than I do now. . I was happy with myself, but I genuinely believed that I had to suffer to take care of that bigger picture. Yes, I still laugh a lot, yes I still have the same sense of humor, but I know longer think that I must suffer each moment to be allowed the grace and gift of joy. My world has been "tinted" to a different color of me by the gift of oxygen. I knew I had to make changes before that heart surgery, (that particular job plus my heart defect were shortening my life) but the day I woke up, and realized that I could go back to that job and stay another ten years or fifteen, I knew that would not be my choice. I now had the strength, but just did not have the will to use all of my strength toward something that was not my passion. Now to clarify, my job was not horrendous or some sort of torture. I had known many who were able to feel quite a lot of fulfillment and joy from that place. I just was not able to. It was something I felt I had to do.
There is a saying, "Follow your passion and you will never work a day in your life." I thought I understood that before, but now, with my tinted and tainted self, it means something entirely different. I have gifts, not all of them bring me happiness or I would still be an engineer. I wish I could give you the vision I see. I can see it so clearly now, that I may get a paycheck. It may be tiny in comparison to my former paycheck, but the reward is absolutely pristine! There is not a flaw, not a smudge. It is beautiful and joyous. I am where I belong and am hopeful that my next destination will be just as "tainted". My bigger picture has been tainted by this whole experience. I am no longer planning every single moment to accomodate both family and work. I am no longer worried about the money I will put in savings in five years and what effect that will have on the money I have already put into savings. I feel free...rubber coconuts and all.

Indicators

There is a mom out there that I just marvel at her ability to cope with terror. How many times had I gone to work and have heard about someone's child getting burned, stitches or broken bones? Too many times, I had taken my own stories of the days' escapades and injuries to others. It's just a normal mom debriefing. Kids will get hurt. They will experience pain. We just have to hope every day that it is not fatal. Many times we would even say, "Well, they'll never do THAT again!" with exasperation.
Pain from the hot stove makes our children move their hand. Pain from the ankle makes our child tell a teacher. Pain is a luxury this other mom does not have. There are actually a couple of moms out there dealing with congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis. (CIPA).. This sounds like a dream at first. A child that does not cry out with every little scratch and scrape. One child rubbed her eyes so much that one of them had to be removed and the other has been severely damaged. It did not hurt when she was scratching and rubbing her own eye. She also bit her own tongue and fingers severely. Pain is a warning sign, and indicator to stop and recoil from heat. Pain is a necessary teaching tool.
I am blogging about this today, because I know several people who are in physical pain. I have been in pretty bad pain before also. I have also complained. I'm not shooting for sainthood here, I've even complained since I found out about this condition many years ago.
My own mother has had the most extreme opposite I can imagine. She was diagnosed with RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.) It was such a bizarre experience as my mom has an incredibly high pain tolerance. I had taken her to the hospital with broken ribs, broken wrist...never saw much more than a wince, so when she actually complained that she was in pain, I went with her to the tests... Her MRI was just incredible. Nerve cells had taken over her foot. There were millions and millions more than there should have been and each of them were sending an SOS signal of pain to her brain constantly. Fortunately, she was seeing one of the most renowned physicians in the country to treat this disorder, so she was in remission after several months.
So, occassionally pain lies to us, as in my mom's situation. Either way, we should pay attention. It is trying to tell us something. It's message might be "STOP IT" or "SLOW DOWN" or "You are NOT 17 anymore". It's message might be, "get your body to a specialist" as in my mom's case. In any case, although it is not the most pleasant gift, pain is indeed a gift.
Usually, I have been able to see pain as a means to an end, as I have been fortunate that most of my pains have been in healing from something else painful. I have been able to look at is as something transient. I am ever hopeful that for those in constant pain and for those who don't feel pain, that there is a cure. Not a cure from pain, but for the necessary balance so that we can trust the signs.
For a short video about CIPA, please see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t7E8wjprJE