Deep in my soul, I understand that my job as a mom is different. I understand that I am supposed to empower my daughters to walk towards their own, independent future.
I'm very proud of my daughters. They are learning both life lessons and educational lessons with relative ease. I love to watch them discover the answers, and yet, I cry when we reach major milestones. I honestly could not tell you why. I don't know if I am overwhelmed by pride, or if I am mourning that I am one step closer to their independence from me, or if I am simply just a crybaby and never knew it.
I do know that I am expecting the tears at the school program. My oldest child will no longer be an "elementary" student. We will cross yet another bridge. Together for now.
I am grateful every day that even as it gets more challenging, my children still talk to me and ask me questions. This is a precious gift and an awesome responsibility. I know that it is my opinion and experience that they weigh against what they see.
Someone once told me that children need us more when they are in these between years than they did as infants. I could not have imagined what they meant as infancy meant I was responsible for everything from nutrition, medication, toileting to speaking and singing and being cheerful enough. It was exhausting and I looked forward to the time when they would not need those things so often.
Now, as I watch my daughter and listen to her, I understand. She is trying to take those steps from little girl to woman. I can see she is trying to find what works for her. As I have said before, it often appears she is "trying on" personalities. I can see that she needs an anchor, a rock. She needs someone she can come to her to remind her of the focus and the guidelines of life. My daughter is very fortunate to have attended a wonderful school where she has been given many tools to walk through her life, but still she needs to see me using those same tools. She needs me to reaffirm that they are real and that they work. I can see now why that need is there. Life presents challenges at very inopportune moments. Things happen that I may not have warned her about. I don't get to schedule when she learns each lesson. I have to hold her in my arms or in my heart as she walks through these challenges and reassure her that it will indeed become part of her experience someday.
I understand as I watch her. I know that she has all of the tools we have shared with her. I know that she will use them. I know that she has a focus. I thank God every day for lending her to me. She has such a beautiful heart and mind and I know she has a wonderful future ahead of her. I continue to show her that she is able to form her own life. She will find that there are both positive and negative ways to handle each challenge in her path.
I believe this might be why I cry. It is pure sentiment. I love her. She is not mine to hold forever. It is really not about the potty training or the Christmas gifts. She is merely mine to guide and love for this very short time and I will continue to cherish every moment for as long as I can. The rest of the worldly wisdom will wait.
Children are truly our hearts.
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