I think everyone finds some place that is paradise for them. When I was younger, it was England. It was wonderful and magical beyond words when I was young. So even as my friends would speak only of how they wanted to go back to the "states", I was perfectly content with my arrangement. I lived in England for 11 years and came to the U.S. for a month each year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I really and truly had the best of both worlds during that time.
Time has never really been my enemy. Before my brain injury, I was much more obsessed with it. It was as if I was in a competition with time. I worked 40-50 hours per week, I volunteered at school, I helped my children with their homework every single day and I attended all school events and sports games. I slept an average of 4 hours per day, but I was winning. I was not losing "time" with my children to "time" for my job. So I thought anyway.
That knock on my head was a knock at the door also. I was able to see that I was doing the absolute best I could for my kids, but I was still too tired to actually savor any of it. It felt like a competition. I lived by celebrating each victory over time. Once I recovered enough to think about it, I could see that I really could do better. That I had been there in body, but I was usually too exhausted to really step in and enjoy life.
So this brings me to today. My grandfather asked me to combine my trip with his this year. My grandparents do not fly and they wanted to come to see my mom.I planned as well as I could. I spoke to my daughters a lot about safety. They are old enough now to not wander off, so it was time to enlist their help.
My grandmother is wonderful. I have spent my whole life using my grandmother as my anchor. Grandma's house, grandma's rules and grandma's beautiful smile were the only stable thing in my life when I was younger. I am the oldest of many grandchildren, and I always believed myself to be her favorite. (I know now that she is the most gifted grandmother, since we all felt that way.)
My grandmother has had a stroke and is going through her own change. She is insistent about what she does or does not want to do now. She forgets things and sometimes has speech difficulties. She gets confused by words she has known forever. I explained to my girls that we do not want to upset grandma or hurt her feelings, but that at no time during this trip was grandma to be left alone. We would all be careful to "need' something at the same time to be sure she did not wander. Sometimes now, grandma just gets annoyed with her current surroundings and looks for somewhere else to be.
Her eyes get more sparkly and blue each time I see her. She really has always had the most beautiful eyes, but now, they seem to just shine more so I asked my grandfather if I was imagining that. He said that he had noticed too and that they seem to sparkle more as her cares and worries are taken from her.
What a loving way to explain it.
Tomorrow will be two years since my daughter found me not breathing and called for help. Even as I write this, I am very aware of how I am on "borrowed" time now. In my family, we call this grace. I did nothing to deserve it. I do not own it. Yet I am here to enjoy this time with my children a little longer. I was here to help my grandmother when she had the stroke. I was here to reassure those family members out of town that she was okay. I was here for a little longer.
Even as I am here now, watching my grandmother call my mom by my name, and calling my daughter by my cousin's name, I know that it is still grace.
Time is a little more complicated now. It almost seems cruel for those who are not able to have as much of it with grandma. Maybe my grandma uses my name so much because she has seen me so much these last twenty years. Maybe my name is just one of the last things that stuck before her brain was injured. I do not know. I know that it is a blessing for me and a curse for my mom. My mom is aware that usually it is the other way around. I know this because we have talked about this. I actually said the words, "She will remember you long after she has forgotten me." I guess I could not have known.
I love my grandmother with all my heart. I am sad that now time seems to be a little cruel, but in the same way, I believe it is preparing us all. My grandmother is having trouble using words for what she means, she is easily confused, but I know that my grandmother is becoming pure love. We all know we need to spend more time with her. We all see how much we love her. We are being prepared. When she leaves this earth, she will be similar to a butterfly, this cocoon stage may be a little messy and even painful, but she will be more free and more beautiful.
If my grandmother were a butterfly, I would know her anywhere by her beautiful eyes.
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