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A long time ago, I found myself really struggling with a relationship. I really did have to deal with this person, but this person caused me so much pain. Even when this person was not around me, the situation was ruining my time. I wasn't sleeping well, I would be nervous well in advance of a planned encounter. It was whittling away at my life.
I had an older, wiser friend who told me that "forgiveness" thing that people were always advising me to do was not necessarily what I thought it was.
Needless to say, I was sick and tired of hearing about forgiveness. I'd been told about people who had forgiven murderers, rapists, and I just could not wrap my mind around the concept at all.
"But this person hurt me intentionally!" I wanted to scream. I was just sick of the lectures. Then he asked me if I have ever known anyone who was well loved and happy being cruel and unkind.
I thought about it. Not really, I guess.
Then he said the words I will never forget. "Hurting people hurt people." I just stopped and thought about it and he continued. "What do you know about his childhood?"
OK, his childhood was pretty awful. His parents did horrible things, from beatings to shaming. Just horrible. I was starting to see where this was going and it irritated me. I did not want to have compassion for someone who had harmed so many...
Then it happened. I guess the word I needed was not forgiveness, but compassion. I try to remember that now. I really do have to work at it most of the time. When I see a story on the news, or when the story on the news affects a dear friend of mine. I guess I thought forgiveness meant that it didn't matter or that it was okay.... Compassion I could understand. I could understand that someone was hurting and didn't realize the pain they inflicted on others and still be perfectly okay with the consequences of the behavior. I can understand that someone who murdered another human being could not have understood the gift of life, and still be perfectly okay with them going to jail.
I now think forgiveness is the same thing for us humans. I am not required to provide forgiveness and absolution. Anger, fear, hate, vengeful thoughts are like a disease. For my own happiness and peace of mind, I need to not be a carrier of pain, fear and hate. So when I feel those thoughts creeping in about the news, it's time to remind myself.. Hurting People Hurt People.

Cubicles and Broken Trees

      Ben has been telling me lately that I am being prepared for greater things. I can feel the amazing changes, but it kind of makes me laugh a little. I have never lived my life as if I will be famous or remembered for anything in particular. Not that we are just insignificant and vanish.

        I saw a movie recently with a very interesting concept. It portrayed lives as if not only are we interconnected as people, but that everything around us in interconnected. Our surroundings retain memories of all of the past and all of our ancestors. My reality is not so different. Not that I can or would want to touch a brick in my home and feel it's experiences. That wouldn't exactly be my viewpoint.

       I do look around at this place I have chosen to live. It absolutely defies reason. I grew up with hills and flowers everywhere, trees older than the laws of this country. Yet here I find myself somewhere that is challenging for beautiful flowers, flat, and with few trees. Of those few trees, most have scars from previous ice storms and tornadoes. On the surface, it appears this area extinguishes talent and fame, however, this place requires more investigation.

        I currently work with a woman, who not only works with me, she is an ordained minister, a singer, and now a playwright. She is an inspiration to many. I work with another woman who creates amazing art and each piece is reprinted thousands of times for an international business. When someone walks into our building do they immediately see such talents? I doubt it. It appears as a sea of cubicles, however, look a little closer and there is the ability to quietly overcome mundanaity.

       Every one of the people I know is a star. They are all conquering the silence. They are volunteers, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. Many of the people I know have the extraordinary gift of being able to hear more than just the words that are spoken. In less than a minute, they can assess a situation and be able to commit to a solution. They do this with grace, compassion and control. Make no mistake. It is a gift. I have learned several phrases in many languages, but I could not profess to be able to switch eloquently and fluidly between any, and I know people who do it as if they are making a bowl of cereal. It is all amazing and should be appreciated as such by ourselves and others.

      I do not simply see a rugged landscape here, or just a sea of people with day jobs. I see that the land has not just had many storms to provide the scars, but people who came to help. I see the families, putting everything from their freezer onto grills to feed neighborhoods of others who had lost everything. I see the notes on Facebook about a woman who has lost everything to a fire, and the quiet organization of food, clothing, furniture and dishes. It is happening every day, below the surface. We are all interconnected. We are surrounded by the beauty of humanity and giving, if we are willing to look past the scenery of cubicles and broken trees.

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Spring

I swear as I was walking around today, I could not help but notice the colors. Today would have been a great day to take photos outside. Even though the sky was grey and it was windy, somehow the colors looked even brighter. Maybe too much sunlight washes the color out. I don't really know the reason.
I didn't get a chance to take photos today. It seemed cruel to take a picture of a puffy eyed, wheezing ten year old. The eight year old was just frowning because she did not get to spend the day with me. Although her frown and the lovely flowers would have made an interesting composition, I did not do it.
Someone said to me that she hadn't realized I had been through so much. It kind of shocked me for just a moment, because I don't see my life that way. I really believe that everyone has their own pains and fears. Everyone has their own trials. Then I thought how lucky I am that mine have been mostly physical. I have always had a lot of hope, spirit and perserverance! I have always had a fantastic sense of humor because I decided long ago that it is better to get a laugh out of something than to wallow...and believe me, there has been plenty to laugh at!
No matter how hard I try to be a Great mom, I just fall short. I will just stroll along the path of motherhood and out comes a stop sign! It just is that way! I just don't think kids are meant to have perfect moms. I think it is wonderfully healthy for them to see mom stumble, err and even cry occassionally.
I want to tell one of my students about a thought I had when I was younger. You see, my dad is not just a lunatic, he is the most intelligent person I have ever met. He understands concepts that escape me completely. Even his explanations for some physics formulas make me want to cry out with my own limits. I never really saw myself as smart when I was a child. In fact, I was quite sure that my parents had surrounded me with a slower paced environment to protect my delicate, non functioning brain. I always knew the answers first. I always handed my tests in first, but in my feeble mind, I was just so beneath my father's intellect that I was sure that I was slow. Really slow.
Now of course I know that I am just fine. I am more than intelligent enough to survive this crazy game of life. I see this same thing in one of my students. Not necessarily about intelligence, but I can see that they are comparing their gift to a parents'. Each of us is so unique. For instance, both my father and my daughter are very musically gifted.. Kendra and her asthmatic lungs are not likely to play a tuba for the King and Queen of Spain. My father is not likely to sing a solo in front of hundreds of people. She does not worry that she is not as good as him at the tuba.
My gifts are a little more scattered. I am not stunning at any particular thing, but I am lucky that I have tried and succeeded at many. I have had a lot of amazing life experiences due to my short attention span and my willingness to learn.
I can see gifts in people everywhere. My friends are each amazingly different. They all absolutely fascinate me and could teach me a lot! I am lucky.
Someone once told me that life's challenges are what will give a person character and that some people have a lot more character than others. This was an answer to my question about why my great aunt was so "lively".
Let life's challenges give us all more character. That is where the laughs begin.

Possibilities

I have in the past found myself so busy that I could not see the details. The details of life are absolutely amazing! It seems that every where I turn, someone is offering me their time.
Time is so precious. It defies reason. Sometimes it seems we have none of it to give, and then we find ourselves just pausing...I have spent a lot of time since last summer just staring at trees, bushes, flowers. I have always worn glasses or contacts, but last summer I went to get a new prescription and the doctor really took his time with me. He kept me in temporary contacts, several pair for a few months while the fluid in my brain was reducing. He changed my prescription many times and just searched for perfection for me. I cannot thank this doctor enough. I felt as if I had never really seen before him. Suddenly, trees were not just forms in the distance. I could see limbs and leaves. I could see each individual blade of grass.
Yes, he took the time to help me to see, and now I take the time to really look at things.
I have found that people have the most expressive eyes. Before, I might have been able to tell you someone's eye color, but now I feel like I can see so much more. I can see the exhaustion, the joy, the love, compassion. I have seen so much kindness and love. I am continually amazed.
Taking the time to make eye contact, speak a full sentence, even make the committment to shake hands, I crave these things now. I want to see you. I want to say hello, to reach out to you. I want to tell you how beautiful and amazing the world is to me. I want to tell each of you how much I enjoy meeting you.
I want to tell you that appreciation seems to just grow. Each time I find something new that I enjoy, it seems to lead to more. I am filled with more and more. Life is about more. More time, more experiences, more joys and even more lessons. I value them all.
In just a moment, I can share a laugh or a smile. In that same moment, I can participate in the plague of negativity and dispair, or make a split second choice to find hope and solace.
In just a moment, I can tell one more person that I love them.

My name is Brenda. I am a Mother, a friend, an employee, a student. I am many things. I have spina bifoda and Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. I have been recovering from a Traumatic Brain Injury since August 2009 and I had Cardiac Ablation surgery for the WPW yesterday. These things do not own me or define me. If I were not so open about my life, nobody would know of these challenges. I believe that life was meant to be lived.
However, due to the challenges of the last few years, I have come to see that the really important things in life happen in less than five minutes! It takes just a moment for these two faces to assess whether or not they believe what was just said. It takes me just a moment to take a picture to capture a memory for a later smile.
My daughters have taught me so much, but it took the realization that I just am not ready to leave them to see that every five minutes matters. It's not at all in a stressful, burdened way, but in the back of my mind, when making each committment or decision, I am now weighing how many minutes this will take from my real life, my real purpose. I am not here to simply sell something for someone else. I am not here just to answer another question. I am here to teach these girls everything I can. They deserve to find all of their own answers with self confidence. They deserve to learn how to ask the next question without fear or shame.
I am hoping that today is the end of a very long and exhausting road of fear and challenges due to Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. I am also just as hopeful that this new road we are taking together is filled with joy and learning experiences and appreciation!