Ask someone who has survived long term abuse, or a recovering drug addict or alcoholic. Anything can become normal. Reality shows about hoarding are popular because most of us have a train wreck type reaction. We don't want to look, but we just cannot help it. We are so curious. How did it happen? When was the turning point?
I say this because, I spent my entire life with something that did not seem so unusual to me, until one summer afternoon when I was 38 years old. I had been seen many times for a variety of symptoms, but since I seemed athletic and healthy when I was younger, my heart was never checked... Looking back, I can see there were times when I should have spoken up a bit more.. and having the same doctor for more than a year or two may have helped. Ultimately, it is what it is.
One morning I woke up and things were definitely worse. I was not able to breathe. After several minutes, I finally was able to take shallow breaths and I thought I was going to be okay, but things quickly changed and I needed to go to the hospital.
Typically, there is one hospital I trust in this area. It was written on my information at work, just in case. My husband has always known about this and was turning the car to drive in that direction. I was not able to take in air. I could feel that I was losing this particular battle. There was one tiny problem with the hospital I trust, it was at least a 30 minute drive and I was not sure how much longer I could remain conscious. I whispered to him, "Turn right, I won't make it."
I'm sure that seems just a bit over dramatic, yes? I don't know.. Looking back, perhaps I should have made a bigger deal of my symptoms many more times. Either way, it is what it is.
This was actually the first time I would go to the E.R. for this. I had many episodes where my heart had raced or I had trouble breathing. I had been diagnosed with panic disorder or asthma or a long list of other things. This time was different. I actually stopped breathing.
While at the hospital, they began to stabilize me. First with oxygen, then my heart rate was over 250 so they wanted to bring it down. As the medication began to work, I held on to my husband's hand for dear life. It was the most terrifying feeling. The doctor said I should start feeling more relaxed quickly and he was sort of correct.
Here is what I mean when I say anything can become normal. My entire life I had episodes of a racing heartbeat. I was told I was high strung, or had panic attacks.. Honestly, any of those things could be true, but I also began to brush them off at an early age. I would tell myself, "Suck it up" often. "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other."
I do not know the technical terms behind what happens to the brain during these episodes, but I can tell you that my body and brain were not used to 60-70 beats per minute. Dropping rapidly from 276 down to 60 felt as if my life was slipping away. I felt like I was watching the bars of my personal battery life disappear. Worst of all, I felt as if I was going to just drift off to sleep. That might have felt good if I had not known of people who literally bottomed out on this medication and died. I was terrified. I have always had to fight to sleep, I had never "drifted" unless under anesthesia and I was scared. So I held my husband's hand. Both to let him know that I was still conscious, so that he would know when to get help, and to help myself not be so alone with my fear. Ultimately, I did lose consciousness for a couple of hours. I jokingly referred to that afternoon as my "dirt nap" and went to work that night. The doctors warning of the possibility of "sudden cardiac death" seemed a little over dramatic since, like I said, I had felt my heart race before...many times.
Anything can become normal. For 38 years, my heart rate was too high.. Many times each day, my heart rate was over 200. It was normal to me. It was only scary a few times. A few months after that day in the ER, I had the surgery that interrupted the defect in my heart.
A little over a year ago, I watched the heart monitor for hours in amazement as my heart rate remained steady. I could feel what others felt. I could breathe better than I ever had before. Now..a little over 15 months later, that is just normal to me. I can breathe. I have more energy than ever. I do not look into the mirror in the morning and tell myself that I will live through this day. It has become normal to simply FEEL like I will live through the day.
Now, my ulterior motive for writing this. I know there are so many people who see the TV, the news, the magazines and what they see just seems so foreign. Good or bad. Either you cannot imagine living that badly, or you cannot imagine a life so wonderful. Either way. Just remember that anything can become normal. A seemingly normal person can become a drug addicted prostitute in a short amount of time. A prostitute can turn their life around and become a law student.
Even with my own experiences, I struggle with anything outside of my own "normal". I have done what is acceptable to me. I cannot understand someone allowing things that are so absurd or destructive to become their "normal". I do not understand people who throw away kindness, gifts and talents for the high of drugs and alcohol. I do not understand the slippery slope of excuses it brings.
Or maybe I do. Maybe that is really what is bothering me is that I understand more than anyone that ANYTHING can become normal. I do not tell myself I will live through the day anymore because now, it is just normal to wake up breathing fine. It is something I take for granted.
Maybe while I am praying that this person finds an end to this horrible path and telling this person they can do something other than destroy this gift of life, maybe I should also remind myself that each day is a gift. Each day that we can tell each other we love each other is precious.
I should also remember when I am resistent to change my habits that ANYTHING can become normal.
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