Music

    I haven't really done any research yet, but I have noticed that music speaks to people very differently. I briefly looked into a career in music therapy when I was much younger because it really did seem that music could be a way to reach the brain in ways that other therapies simply could not.

    Perhaps this is why I noticed which music my children responded to most as infants.

    Why my youngest was an infant, I noticed quickly that soothing lullabies were not really soothing for her. In fact, they really seemed to agitate her. We tried other types of music. Pop, rock... we found that Tchaikovsky seemed to really calm her down.  It was more than noticeable how much she relaxed when listening to  Swan Lake, Nutcracker or even the 1812 Overture.  These are not typically soothing pieces. 

    I have also found a few other composers and even a few Pop tunes that seem to completely speak to this very busy little girl.

    I watch her with envy as she is learning to play Toccata and Fugue in D minor on the piano. Not only is this a very fast and furious piece to learn, but she is playing it even faster. She seems to be in sync with this type of music.  She seems to find comfort and piece in the sheer speed of the pace.

     I am the opposite. I race around, but when I want to be soothed, there is nothing quite like Air on the G String. I can still see the cigar smoke from the ad in England. It calms me. I feel my heart rate slowing and I feel more at peace.

    I try to be even more sensitive to these things now. Certain styles of music can be almost painful for me now.  As I write this, she is listening to Tchaikovsky and I had to leave the room. There is simply too much going on. There are too many patterns woven by this music. It is extremely uncomfortable for me.

    I didn't used to feel this way. I used to enjoy almost all forms of music. I loved following the patterns and paths of the music. Now these interwoven patterns seem to cause my brain to short circuit. At times it is painful.  If I am doing other things, I cannot deal with music. I cannot listen to music in the car while I am driving.

   In the meantime. I watch my child, my child who is so frustrated by so many things in life. She is so extraordinarily intelligent, but quickly melts down when things are not exact, or unplanned, or just not right for her. Sounds, images and other stimuli can be so overwhelming to her but certain types of intricate and complicated music bring her peace.

    I watch her as she is filled with relaxation and joy. I love to see her at peace.

    There are so many people in this world. So many different types of brains and motivations. I am grateful that there are so many different types of music to enjoy.

     Now, having said this. I am going to take a deep breath and walk into my other daughter's room. She is currently motivated by speed metal style music. It takes every ounce of concentration just to ask her to turn it off for a moment so that I can speak to her.

    I love her. I am overjoyed that she is trying to have new and independent experiences.

    This is what I tell myself before I open her door.

     For now. It speaks to her. I have read the lyrics and am okay with the content she has chosen. It is not exactly Pollyanna, but it is not something I can object to. She really is paying attention. She knows where the line of reason is. I just hope I survive this stage before the next one arrives.

    Perhaps in a year, I will be able to hear music as I did before the brain injury. Perhaps not. Either way, it is ridiculous to expect my children to be deprived of something I always enjoyed because of my issues.

     I find this applies to more than just music. I do not have the right to object simply because it is not my "style" or my "taste". I do teach and object when it is simply wrong.

     Parenting is a bit like music. There are a lot of styles. There are a lot of interwoven patterns. We all have to find our way, pay attention to what inspires our children to make the best choices, and give them the power and freedom to make their choices.

    Brain injury or not, this is the most difficult thing about parenting. Teaching them and then letting them learn more on their own.

   

Time and Money

    I just read several articles written by people who say they have paid for EVERYTHING with cash.  They claim to have paid for their homes, cars, everything with cash.

    I have read the articles so I can tell you that some of that is true, and some is not. One person making such claims even lists the amount owed on their cars.

    Wait.  How can you OWE anything on a car purchased with cash?

     Be careful.

     Yes, there are a LOT of ways to make changes and cut back budgets, but be aware of who you are taking advice from.

     I do not live on such a tight budget with some grandiose scheme of paying cash for my next home. I do it out of necessity and paranoia.

    Every couple of years, we have had MAJOR financial setbacks. These have usually involved health care expenses. We have always had health insurance, and most of the time we have had really good insurance, but it does not take long for the medical costs to snowball with a major issue.

     I do not watch every single penny. I do not do that because I value what tiny shred of sanity that remains.  I swore long ago that money, whether good or bad times, would NEVER be the focus of my life.

     I have seen it go both ways. I have known people who could literally account for every single penny spent. I have also known many people who had no respect for money or possessions as long as they could continue to throw away both.

     Neither seemed particularly healthy to me.

     As I sit, I have just written my budget for the next two months.

     I do this periodically as needed. Clearly, my old budget is not going to make me happy or I would not be re-writing it in the middle of July.  We have had another change.

     Currently, my husband is not only not working, but he is accumulating medical bills like a greedy hoarder. The papers are stacked alarmingly high.

     I look around at all of the things I have learned to do as an adult and I am pretty impressed with myself.

     I can make almost anything in my kitchen. I have researched our favorite recipes and snacks, condiments and sauces. I have altered them for our medical needs and viola! Not only are we consuming more healthy foods, but I'm quite sure that overall, we have saved a fortune.

    I have learned how to repair many things also. Yes, the stories are funny... my first time taking a washing machine apart...

hmmm... but again, I am sure that I have saved thousands by doing my own maintenance and repairs when possible.

     I look at the overall picture though. I do not buy they best quality that I can when making larger purchases. Money is just as wasted if it something does not last very long.

    In short, I am just a person. I am no guru of savings. I do the best that I can and try not to incur debt. I have not had a car payment for several years, but honestly, I may have a car payment again soon.

     I will not lose sleep over the millions of things that I cannot possibly do perfectly today. I believe in "quality of life".

      My children do not wear the latest mall fashions, but they do have value. My children do not base their value on the logo on their shirt. I think that is AMAZING in today's culture. In fact, my children will pick clothes based on favorite colors or styles over a name on a shirt or jeans any day.

     We have worked out a system of accountability and responsibility for those electronic items that teens and preteens have. Technically, I do believe that they are NOT a necessity, however, at the rate technology progresses now, I do believe they should be as familiar as they can.

     High school students submit PowerPoint presentations now. Wow! I love this and despise it. I love the progress. I love that education is using technology. I dislike that I must continue to pay for technology to be available to insure my children have a competitive future.

     Like many others, I am simply trying to do the best I can to avoid the whirlwind of debt that seems to plague so many people. There have been times when we have had to change course to keep from doing this.

    We have learned. One of the major medical issues left my husband unable to work for nine months. Nine months was such a long time. We were still having to pay for childcare, diapers and formula during this time.  We incurred a LOT of debt that year. Thankfully, the following year we managed to catch up but it taught us a valuable lesson. There were things that we continued to do during that nine months that increased that debt dramatically. We didn't even consider trying to live without those things. Cable TV was one of the more frivolous items. I estimated at one point that we would have incurred $4000 less in debt if we had given up a few simple things. $4000 less certainly would have made that next year easier.

     But, it was the way it was supposed to be. We didn't know. We do know now. We learned a few valuable lessons.

     This is all temporary. The money, the cars, the house, the meals. What really matters is how we spend our time together. Maybe we do not spend $500 in one afternoon at the amusement park. We make our memories doing things that cost less. We do go out. We do take advantage of many wonderful opportunities. We discuss the value of our time and money. We decide together what is the best use of our resources together. Would we rather take our budgeted amount of money and do this? Or would we rather do that?

    I am hoping that these are the most valuable lessons in frugality that my children are learning. I am hopeful that they are able to distinguish between who they are and what they own. If they are able to live a multi million dollar lifestyle, I would hope that they would still understand the value of time and money.

    For those who count every single penny: I wish you well. I have made cuts. I have made adjustments. I will continue to make adjustments to do the best that I can for my family. I have enjoyed learning to do so many things on my own. I love the sense of pride with each new discovery and accomplishment. I just will not allow myself to lay awake at night wondering how I can squeeze another quarter out of my day.

     It is about life.  We shall get through this, ride a nice cloud, and then go through something else. It is what it is. I will adjust as necessary and keep going.

     I write my budgets for two to three months at a time. I don't like to spend much time focusing on the little things. I just like to make the plan and move on.  Living it.

     Maybe someday, we will have a long enough break that I am able to purchase another car with cash, or maybe even a home. I won't lose sleep over that either.

     Goodnight.

Thanks Mike

    The brain is an absolutely fascinating thing. I am continually amazed.

     Last weekend I met another amazing person. My uncle arrived at our family gathering with two guests. This is not unusual. Our family 4th of July celebrations are open to all. Everyone is treated like family.

    One of the guests was a guy named "Mike". (I have changed his name as I did not ask his permission to blog about him.)

     "Mike" was walking down the slope towards me and even though I had not yet met him, I wondered if he were perhaps, developmentally disabled. He did not walk with any limp, or spasticity, but there seemed to be something childlike in his gait.

     I thought to myself, well, it is July 4th, even though there is not usually alcohol served at our event, perhaps he had a couple of beers before coming.  Then, no... it doesn't seem like that either.

    "Mike" walked directly towards me and began talking, "Hi, my name is Mike and this is my first time coming here. I like it and I think I will come every year."

     Yes, "Mike" is one of God's special people, as I have heard it said.

     I looked at his face. His face had a look of complete peace. I had been noticing that the women in my family do not get the typical crow's feet wrinkles. We all seem to remain relatively wrinkle free with the exception of a single deep furrow between our brows. I am fascinated that he appears to be close to my age and does not have any signs of wrinkling or stress.

     He soon continues to move through other people, introducing himself and then begins to share more about himself. "I am disabled so I can't drive. I have autism and I am retarded, so I just ride a bike everywhere I want to go."

      I like Mike, but I am growing ever more curious.  Mike has walked independently through a large group of people, introducing himself appropriately.  He does not leave abruptly during a conversation, he also does not continue to conversation longer than it is welcome. Mike is light years ahead of a lot of people.

    Mike is not staying close to the person he came with. He seems completely comfortable with no signs of anxiety.

    Mike's self stated autism link is making me even more curious. When I had clients with autism, many had signs of anxiety or stress in their faces. Most had almost a hardened stone like appearance. I had never seen anyone ever whose face was as relaxed looking as Mike.

    I listened as Mike is able to relay sports scores, and relate those numbers. He is able to give great detail, but not so excessive.

    To be sure, Mike is a diamond in my mind. He is living proof that we still have so much to learn about the brain and about people.  He is functioning well, and although clearly there is a bit of a glitch, it is difficult to pinpoint. 

     I would guess that Mike has had a very supportive family life. I would also guess that Mike has been fortunate to receive the services and assistance that he has needed.

     I have worked with adults with Developmental Disabilities of all types. I grind my teeth a little when people say that Down's Syndrome kids are always happy. People with developmental disabilities are people. They have ups and downs. Adults with Down's Syndrome can have some pretty frightening tempers.  They are people.  When I began working in that field, I had my own struggles.

   Alcoholic beverages, cigars and sex were topics that came up from time to time.  Sometimes the family members would have concerns or adamant demands; sometimes it was staff members.

   My mind could wrestle with these topics forever. Yes, this person is developmentally given an approximate comparison of a six year old child, however, they are adults. They have the same rights as myself.

    We had a client that liked the occasional cigar. The delight on his face while sitting in a swing smoking a cigar was amazing. Why would we allow a 62 year old man in our care to smoke? I made a note of it in his chart simply because it brought him so much joy and he was not always able to express himself verbally.  I did not have the right to deny him. 

    We had a client who would go to a local bar on his birthday and have a beer. The gasps... Yes, he was over 21 and his father would drive him to the bar. Again, it was not my right to deny.

    Sex and birth control were very volitile subjects. One particular mother called often. I could understand her concern. I was also concerned. This mother begged me to take her daughter to the clinic and get her "the shot" and tell her daughter it was a normal vaccination.

    Sorry, I cannot do that.  I did repeatedly educate her daughter about safe sex and personal dignity.

    As I look at my children now, I believe that job changed who I was going to become as a mother.

    I am very aware that my entire job is to teach them to become responsible adults. I am aware that although I am to protect them, I cannot protect them too much.  I have to give them the power and information to make the best decisions they can for themselves.

    I have to continually educate these children. I also like to use the "Mike's" of this world as an example.

    In my experience, people like "Mike" are told, "You will never be able to....." a lot. Well meaning people often squash dreams or give hard boundaries without allowing the "Mikes" of the world to put their toes into the water.

    As for "Mike", someday I would like to talk to him more. He has a lot to offer the rest of us. Mike is amazing to me. He is able to live in a Semi Independent Living situation, ride his bike around town and engage in appropriate conversations, even in a new setting.  I don't know who writes his care plan, but he must be an absolute joy to work with.

    This world is so crowded and busy. I really do like the opportunity to see someone as an individual... With all of the flippant comments about "men" and "women" and "those people", I get weary. I like seeing the world in a one on one kind of way and Mike reminded me of a time when I was able to do that every single day.