Time and Change

   Today, I am feeling the pinch of time.

    I don't have a date circled on my calendar and this is putting more pressure on me to get everything completed. Once this little paperwork snafu is over, I may need to have everything done within two weeks. That can happen any day now, or it could take a while. Either way, I know I do not want to do all of this in two weeks.

     So, how am I doing?

     Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

     Today, I am interrupting the schedule to make a few meals. Here is what I am doing to make this week a bit easier:

     I recently purchased five pounds of ground beef and it is time to put it to use. 1lb will become taco meat, 1lb will become spaghetti sauce, 2 lbs will become burgers and 1 lb will be used to make meatballs.

     I am grilling chicken breasts now. 1lb will be sliced into strips to add to salads or chicken tacos. 1 lb will be individually packaged for my husband's lunches at work. 1 lb will be used in a chicken and rice soup.

     I have pork roasts and beef roasts already frozen.

     I will not be cooking anymore for the next three weeks. All of these items will be packaged into freezer meals and we will be microwaving foods or eating from the slow cooker.  Twice each week, I will prepare vegetables and fruits to go with everything.

     This is something I can schedule. This is something I can master. This will give me time to focus on everything else that must be done.

     I am so thankful that I learned to make meals ahead of time. It really has made a tremendous difference in how I am able to use my time.

     As I go through the massive inventory of this home, I am amazed at how easy it has been so far to distinguish between what is truly important and what can go.

     Today, I went through my reference books. I have always been very attached to my reference books. I love to learn. Today, I found it very easy to create a pile of "important" and then box everything else up to go away. In my "important" pile, I had enough to pack exactly one box.

      The teaching materials may be a bit more challenging. I have some very useful items. I have glanced at that area and have allowed myself up to four boxes. Let's see next week where I am with that room.

     Crafts are a bit of a challenge also. I apparently have an adhesive addiction. I have every type of adhesive imaginable. Adhesives are tricky. Some adhesives will not work for glass or metal projects. Some will warp paper beyond recognition. Adhesives. I love them. I may have a small box filled with nothing but tapes and adhesives and I will probably make peace with that box.

    There is a box in my garage that completely shames me. I call it the "wires" box. Yes, it contains speaker wires, computer wires, printer wires, camera wires....  I don't know I was able to part with the items and yet the wires have stayed carefully stored in a box. Perhaps I had to search for a wire like a maniac and made some secret promise. I don't know but I am going to conquer that box also.

     This is going to be good.

     I keep imagining what it will really be like. How will things really be in a year?

      I know that I cannot possibly know. I know that the path of my life has taken so many dramatic turns and that I am not even recognizable as the person I once was. I also know that I will be okay.

     I have reassurance. I am not young and scared anymore. I know that things change and what is most important is how you are able to adapt to each new challenge.

     Not all of these challenges are bad. Some fabulous changes have still required a lot of adaptation. Children are an example of this.

     Children change EVERYTHING. If you don't believe me, look around at your formerly single friends who are now married with children.

     Chances are, you do not "hang out" with them as much. Your friends are now parents and must figure out how to pay for childcare and food instead of buying the latest, greatest concert tickets or sound system for their car.

     So, whether good changes or bad changes, we must all do the best we can to continue to move forward. We must continue to set goals and strive to achieve them.

     That is life.

     We simply have new goals and are working towards them. Check back in a year, and maybe we have added more goals.

      Who knows what will be next?

      I am ever grateful for the opportunity to be on this planet a little longer to have such fantastic goals.

      Now, I have to hurry and catch up with my ideal schedule!

    

Things

    Useful storage space has been an issue with me for a long time. I grew up in Europe and was fortunate to see some of the best uses of space ever. We lived in a couple of homes that were traditional English homes that would be considered fairly small by U.S. standards, but had incredibly efficient floor plans and cabinets.

    Now that I have a made a decision to make a few MAJOR changes, I am faced with relearning all that I knew as a child. I have to think a bit outside of the box. Is there wasted space on that wall? How could I do things better?

       I am about to shrink my lifestyle by around 700 square feet for a while.
       I am not panicking.

      Like most Americans, I have duplicates of several things for convenience. Yes, I have two machines that vacuum the air out of plastic bags for freezing foods. I have a bread machine. (How ridiculous.) I have three mixers. (Long story.)  I have three DVD players from a time when I placed TV's in different rooms. I have since decided that one TV is more than enough and so is one DVD player... So two will go.

       That list is embarrassingly long.  Why do I have FIVE pizza pans? I kept buying one that was supposed to be "better". So obviously, I will never cook more than two pizzas at once, so three of those will go.

      When I look at it like this, it seems that this downscaling will practically do itself. I am not panicked.
       As I packed the first of a few million boxes, I am aware of just how much my life has changed from the military lifestyle.
      Sigh.
      I went through my entire china cabinet and lets just say that only about 10% of it will be staying with me. The rest were things... just things that had been accumulated.
       Ugh.  How did I become this person? Why on earth do I have so many sets of dishes? Yes... there is the china for 12, the regular dishes, the "I don't know when I thought I would be using etched crystal plates" section.
       My cousin asked me if I had any extra mixing bowls. 
       Sigh.
       Yes.  I have several sets of those also. Blue, because at one time my kitchen was blue; stainless, because I wanted to look like a professional chef when I was ruining food; clear glass because they were guaranteed not to break....and there are others....
     Yes, we have so much in this country. How many times have I redecorated my kitchen in a manner that necessitated me purchasing new dishes or pans because the colors were no longer right?
      I am ashamed and empowered at the same time.
      I am disgusted by my own waste and misuse. I am appalled that while children on this planet do not have shoes, food or medicine, I have so little regard that I have several sets of dishes to make things "prettier".
      I feel empowered because I can learn. I can rid myself of all of the extras. I can take pride in knowing what is really important to me.
    I have so far been able to make decisions quickly. I can clearly see what I will need and what must go.
     I will not be burdened by things.
     Things and colors do not own me.
     I feel stronger with each sealed box.
     I can do this.

     As I do this I am already envisioning where these new boxes will need to go. Which room?  Label the box. 
     As I am taping the box and collecting things for the next box, I am thinking of paint colors for each room. I am thinking of which linens will be best. I am thinking of which dishes will be best. 
     As I am stacking boxes, I am already aware that somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, I am already imagining things that I have seen that will go nicely with my plans. Those dark corners are already plotting to purchase things. Things that will not matter in ten years.
      It is who I am. I am torn between being a minimalist and trying new things. I always have been. When I remember my childhood, we moved the least items possible. We had a weight allowance and we were NEVER over. Not many military families can say that. 
      Still, even though I would get new sheets, new towels, new toys and new books in the new house, there was always one box that travelled with me. I remember exactly what was in that box each time. It was very specific. I felt that box was a part of me each time.
     I own exactly one thing from that box.
     I got over it. No matter where I lived, I was me. I learned new things, made new friends, used different currency, but I was still me.
      My friend has asked me what the house "says" to me. "Does it feel like home?"
      I have lived in a lot of homes in my lifetime. I have viewed even more. None of them have "spoken" to me. 
       Perhaps that is who I am. 
       I don't wait for a house to speak to me. I take what I have and make it mine. 
        Having said that, I am very aware that there have been two homes in my life that I truly still love. Houses are just things, but occasionally, we can attach ourselves to things... 
        One of these houses was a wonderful farmhouse in England. I could prattle on endlessly about the magical nature of this home as an 8 year old child would see it. It was magnificent. Fairy tales should have been written about this home. Ahhh.. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
       The second house... the second house has the most perfect floor plan, the most perfect amount of land.  The second house is a perfect home for babies, older children, adults and the elderly. All will find comfort in this home.
       The second house is my grandparent's house.
        My grandparent's house is not just a thing. My grandparent's house is a home. My grandparent's house is as close as I will ever get to understanding things that my friends say. My friends who have lived in the same neighborhood, city or even country their entire lives have attachments that I cannot fathom.
       I have so many memories in that house from my entire life. I have learned so much from helping with things in that house.
       Maybe someday, I will truly understand what my friends say when they talk about their house being their "home" forever. Maybe someday, my heart would ache at the thought of packing up and moving.
        I do dream that someday, I will be able to be "grandmother's house" to some small people who will look at me the way I look at my grandmother. Maybe someday, those small people will want to hold my hands the way I love to hold my grandmother's hands.
       For now, I am getting rid of as many "things" as I can to do just that. I am going to spend my time holding my grandmother's hands rather than shopping for a new color or a new pattern, or a new fabric.
       For now, I will keep condensing my life into boxes, sorted into stacks of "KEEP" and "GO". I will continue to judge myself for having so much and then pat myself on the back for being such a good sport about downsizing.
      I will also continue to look for wasted items, wasted space and wasted time. I will continue to reevaluate my own choices and they things my choices teach my children.
      I could not have asked for a better teaching experience with my children. Maybe they will or will not incorporate it into their own lives, but they will know that I was able to make the choices. They will know what my choices are. They know why I am doing this and they are not simply whining about how it will affect them.
      Life is all about our choices. As long as I am breathing on this earth, I will still be making choices. I might as well be comfortable with the choices I am making and get rid of a few more things that will only get in my way.

                  

Pure Light

   Alzheimer's is a cloud. It is an illness that robs someone of their memories and can even rob them of their own personality. It is a veil. Before you stands the person you have known for 70 years. Before you stands your best friend, but there is a fog between you.

      I know what it is like to watch the progress of this condition, but I can only imagine how it is for the spouse.

       Some days, soups is declared the favorite. Some days, just as adamantly, "I have never liked soup." Some days the trees are beatiful and provide shade and security and a wind break to the property. Some days all of the trees must be removed.

      Some days are giggly, some are overwhelmingly irritable.

      I cannot imagine how it feels to be in my 80's and knowing that all of my younger siblings are gone. I cannot imagine putting things in the same place in my home for 60 years only to be confused by where things are. "Who could have taken them?"

      Yesterday, I was told, "I have never seen that before in my life." (The item had been in the same cupboard in the house for 40 years.)

      At the same time, I have learned more about this person's childhood in the last five years than in the last 40. She has talked vividly about childhood memories, illnesses and situations that I doubt she had even thought about since her children were very young.

     She hangs up on some family members because she no longer recognizes their voice when they call.

     Alzheimer's is allowing me to see who she was as a child. It is giving me a window into her past. She has marvelous stories and experiences to share.

     It is as if her life was written down in order, and is being erased in reverse. It is amazing to see the light and vivid ways she describes her teen years. It is painful when the cloud of realization washes across her face when she thinks of calling one of her sisters.

     I know that as this continues to progress, things will continue to change.

     It is almost as if it is similar to the way scientists describe a dying star. Just at the end, there is an intense brightness, a flash of amazing energy and light.

      She is experiencing her memories so intensly. Thirty years ago, she would have told, me, "I don't know exactly, I'll have to ask my sisters." Now it is as if she is watching a movie of her life. She knows exactly how she did things, when she did them, where she did them and who she did them with as a child.

      The fog of her childhood is being erased.

      She is my grandmother. I have already accepted that soon, she may not know who I am.

       I have even told my mother that she will lose the ability to remember who her grandchildren are, and may eventually not recognize her children. I said it out loud as much to remind myself as to inform my mother of the progression.

      Even as the cloud moves through her life, even as the confusion increases, I would much rather spend my time with her, listening to her, talking to her and warming her hands when she is chilled.

      My grandfather has told each of us that human touch is more soothing, healing and helpful than any medication. He has reminded all of us to touch her hands, give her more hugs and sit beside her instead of across from her. He has read a lot about her condition. He is aware. He knows what he faces.

      There was a conversation between two family members about increasing the level of her care. My grandparents are two adults with rights, so no matter what we believe should happen, or would want to happen, what is important is what they want.

     I forced myself to ask the unimaginable of my grandfather. I knew what I wanted for them both. I knew what I believed would be best, but no matter what, it was not my decision.

      So I talked to him, "A couple of people are concerned about you. Are you feeling overwhelmed by this situation? Do you need to consider another path?"

      His answer was filled with love, grace and relief for me.

      "No, we knew this was coming. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes she is annoyed with me, but I think it is best for us to stay right here, in our home. I don't think she will do well at all if we move her."

         He loves her so much. Even when she is irritated with him. Even when she is not quite herself at all. He loves her.

        My heart breaks and is filled as I watch him standing next to his best friend of 70 years. This cloud of Alzheimer's occasionally creates an enormous wall between them. Inexplicably, her frustration and annoyance seem to be focused at him.

       I don't know how often he is seeing her moments of clarity and brightness. Yesterday, she was up and active and doing something rather bizarre, yet not harmful. I looked to him to see if I should redirect her, or just let things go. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

     She was up, active and was certain that it was time to dig up her garden and plant her summer veggies. It is September.

     I smiled back at him and watched as she then picked up the pruning shears and began lopping branches off of a pecan tree, heavy with nuts.

      We have lines in the sand. What she is doing is not hurting herself or anyone else. A lot of pecan loaded branches were taken to the trash by my daughter who also just smiled.

     However oddly inspired yesterday was, it was good to see her with a burst of energy and enthusiasm, so we simply helped her prepare for spring.

      It's no so different from this illness. Yes, it is getting closer to the cold bitter days of the winter of her life, but Alzheimer's has sort of reversed the timeline a bit, so for now, we are helping her to enjoy her spring.

      She is precious. She is amazing. She is becoming pure light.

When a Door Closes.....

   We know that old saying about the closed door and an open window. It is a bit cliche and can be down right irritating when I am feeling particularly boxed in by doors closing...
    However...
    This last few weeks has been quite a roller coaster.  Years ago, I wanted to buy a house in a particular location. There were no houses available for sale. Shortly after I purchased my home, one became available as a foreclosure and we called the bank to find out the mortgaged amount... The mortgaged amount was more than twice the amount we were able to consider, so we did not pursue it. That house sold for less than half of that mortgaged amount and I have been kicking myself ever since. Honestly, what did I have to lose? I could have put in a bid and been rejected, but no, I did not even try...
     Sigh...
     Roll the clock forward a few years and I found out that another house would be available soon. I happened to know the owner's family, so I called two weeks ago to see if I could get first consideration.
     The owner's family were very nice, but informed me that they had already promised first consideration to someone...
     Sigh...
     I felt again defeated without even trying.
     Last week, I found out that another house had been listed.  This house technically has an address on another street, but the back of the property would be on the street I am looking at... It was a much larger lot, we could use the term acreage, and it had a lot of external bonuses, but when I looked at the property, I was able to make a three page list of questions and repairs needed.
      Sigh...
      Okay, so I was not going to give up so easily. I don't know very much about major repairs, construction, or really anything above the basic appliance repair.
      I called people who do know.
     They met me at the property today and we measured, wrote lists of actual costs and time involved to make the repairs.
     Sigh...
     They told me that everything is fixable, but I was feeling an incredible amount of stress. I wasn't feeling joy or hope at all by this afternoon. Did I really want to live in that are this badly? Could I really do all of these repairs within two months? 
       Mind you. During all of this, I had asked my husband for one thing. One teeny tiny thing.  I had asked him to find out who the other house was promised to and see if we could find out their motivations for buying. Were they similar to ours? Were they flexible? Would they consider backing out to allow us to purchase?
      My husband came home this evening.
      He had spoken to the other interested party. They live next door to the home and only wanted to insure that they would know who their neighbors were. That was it. My husband is also friends with them so they said they would love to have us as neighbors so guess what?
      That's right!  I have a lot of things to do, because I WILL be getting that house. I know that home. I have been in that home before. My husband has known that particular neighbor for 13 years.  I know two of the other neighbors. I am very familiar with this neighborhood because I lived there for a brief time when I was six years old.
      I have never been on a street like this one in my entire life. It is a different type of community. It is a different environment altogether. It is a little bit rural, yet part of the city.  When I was a child, it was "the country".  Now it is on the edge of the city.
     I even know the family that will be across my back fence. They attend the same church I attend.
     These last few months have made a tremendous impact on me. I cannot write all of the details right at this moment, but there is an especially urgent reason for me to move to that street now, rather than later.
     I know this will take a little bit of time. It is not as if I will be moving at the end of the month, after all, it is not emptied, nor for sale yet. I do feel more peace right at this moment than I have felt for a while.
     So, at first, it seemed hopeless, then a glimmer of hope followed immediately by a sense of complete doom when realizing that I could easily spend double the property value repairing a home. And finally, a blessing.
     This house will have a lot that is four times the size of the lot I am currently occupying, so I have a few gardening lists to make! 
     We shall see what amazing things will happen next!

     
    

Just Keep Swimming

     Sometimes, we feel as if we are drowning. Work, children, finances, repairs, hobbies and even outings with friends can weigh down our schedules and leave us feeling exhausted and worn.

      Sometimes, it can be worse. There are times when life can feel a bit like the movie, "Groundhog Day". 

      Get up, do a ton of stuff, fall into bed, exhausted and already weighed down by tomorrows list of stuff to do.

      This is where it is really important to know your own goals. I don't mean have some vague idea about winning the lottery and moving to Aruba. I mean really know your goal. Have a file or notebook and have your notes ready to review occasionally. 

     What do I have in my file?

      I have done research. How much will my "goal" cost? (this can be an approximation, but to allow for time, inflation and other variables, I wrote down the costs involved and added 30%. I always do this because there are always added expenses that I either did not know, or forgot to write down.)

      Next, I write a timeline with financial goals listed along the way. This way I can actually see progress. 

      Next, I sketch, doodle, and generally just play around with the ideas. This is the fun part that will remind me why I am doing everything that I do.

     The last section of my file contains all of the notes. If this is a redecorating project, it will contain pictures, color samples and ideas. If this is a large project, I will have taken notes that pertain to that project. 

     Why on earth would I do this? 

      Because there are days....

      There are days when I wake up and think, "Not today! Please not another day! I just want to hide under my bed."

       Those are the days that I realize that if I want any of the projects to work out, I will need to maintain a certain amount of progress. I can see how much harder I will need to work to recover from a "lost day".  

      If I have enough of these days in a row, I will consider altering things. Maybe my timeline was unrealistic. Maybe I should losen up.

    By the same token, if I am floating along on easy street, there is a chance that I will work even harder and change the timeline to reflect the speedier progress.

      The most important thing is to keep my goals in focus. It makes it a lot easier to just keep swimming when the ocean feels so large... Especially if I am able to look behind me and see how far I have already gone.

     

To Sleep, Perchance to ...SCREAM

    For as long as I can remember, I have had problems sleeping. In fact, I can remember being awake enough to try to scream, but not being able to actually scream when I was very very young.

    Correction, for a brief time after my brain injury, I was able to sleep peacefully for approximately 20 hours per day... No nightmares, no waking up to walk around and "shake it off"... Just blissful sleep.

     Okay, so now my body is "over it". I am back to pacing, reading, and other ridiculous things to try to slip into unconscious oblivion.

    Recently, my doctor commented that I didn't look well rested... (That was a nice way of saying I looked pretty bad, don't you think?)

    About every 7-10 years, I give in and take a few prescription sleeping medications for a few days, just to catch up a bit.

     I tried this again.

     Let me say that getting older is NOT improving any sleeping issues.

      Night number one: I took the first pill at around 9:30 p.m.  I walked dutifully to bed and waited to drift off. Nothing. The instructions say NOT to walk around as I may suddenly fall asleep and injure myself. At 10:30, I took a chance. I got up and walked back to the kitchen to take pill number two.

      This became a bit more entertaining for my husband at this point. At around 11 p.m., I began to hallucinate that people were in my home. Apparently I was dreaming while walking around with my eyes open. I was aware that I was yelling at people who were not there, but could not seem to be aware enough to shut up.

     Lovely.

     Somewhere around 3:30 a.m., I finally drifted off.

      I woke up at 7:30 as usual and began another day.

     Night number two: After night number one, I was definitely not feeling confident, so I had asked for the second prescription. (I am allowed to pills of one and one of the other. Combining them is supposed to tranquilize a horse.)

      I began the ritual again at 9:30 taking one of each pill. I was more than a little annoyed at 10:30 when I added the other pill.  On this night, I drifting in and out of sleep after midnight, but continued to talk and yell all night long.

     This is not working well for anyone now. My entire family is laughing at me, but exhausted also.

      Night number three:  I give up all pretense that a single dose of anything is going to put me to sleep. I take all three pills at once.

      At first, this seems to be working better. I am feeling a bit buzzed and woozy pretty quickly. I meander my way to bed.

      I did fall asleep at around 1:30 a.m.... I felt like I was actually sleeping... at first.. then suddenly I am surrounded by uniformed officers who are trying to kill me. My family woke me up because I was apparently shouting, "Somebody tell me how to release the safety so I can shoot all of the cops!" ~ My "sleep" is now definitely interrupting everyone else's rest.

      Now, in case you have never met me, I am the most law abiding citizen you will meet. I am terrified of getting into "trouble" of any kind. Shooting police officers is just not how I roll.

      Needless to say, there was no night number four. I went back to the doctor, told him that I am apparently crazy beyond help and informed him that I would not be taking any more of the sleep aids. After all, when I have had enough of the four hour nights in a row, I eventually collapse from exhaustion and get a seven hour night. This may not sound like utopia, but it is better than having my children hear me scream about shooting the police.

     Other than the brain injury, there have actually been a few times that I have slept well. Usually when anesthesia is involved, but even then, I am hard to sedate and I usually hear the nurse informing the doctor that I am still conscious and the doctor ordering, "Push another one." Many of my doctors have commented about this and asked me if I have ever had any addiction issues...

     Let's review the law abiding portion of this blog. Nope. Too afraid. 

    For whatever reason, I am difficult to sedate/tranquilize/whatever. Yes, when I mentally noted the times I have rested peacefully, I did wish that we could do anesthesia at home.

      Oh, but wait.

      There was a very very famous person that was able to do that and it didn't work out very well for him.

     Ugh...

      So here I am.... trying to relax... trying to slow the millions and millions of thoughts and questions in my mind.

     My doctor believes my sleeplessness is caused by PTSD.. I am pretty doubtful that is the cause... although, I must admit, for months after the brain injury, even when I was able to stay awake for 8 hours per day, when I slept, it was the quietest, most restful sleep I have ever had....

      Tempting, but as my neurologist is certain another brain injury or concussion will not work out well for me, I guess I will not whack myself in the head with a hammer...or anything else.

       So when you are asking me how I have time to get everything done that I do, or asking me how I got one idea or another... now you know. I simply have more hours in the day.

       Sigh.      

You May Represent More....

   Ahhhh.... I love quaint drives.

    Very occasionally, we take an afternoon and just drive. We have two rules,

1. No Maps
2. If we stop to eat, we will not go to a franchise restaurant. We will try something new, not something we can get near our home.

   Of course there are other things we do. When we stop at a gas station or a store, we make note of the level of "friendliness".

    Now, let me say I know NOTHING of small town America. I take my little drives. We stop at little shops or events, and we come home. We do not collect any scientific data based on friendliness, kindness or anything else I am about to comment on.

    We don't exactly take notes, but we do remember.  We stopped at two gas stations today. One clerk was not at all interactive. In fact, she did not even answer my daughters question. It appeared she was merely tolerating the situation.  The other clerk was so kind. She went out of her way to speak to us when we entered. She also made polite and friendly conversation with us as we were paying. (If we stop to use a restroom, we purchase something.)

    The same is true of stores. Today, we went to several "Antique" stores. Most were courteous. Two shop owners were not only not interactive, but really just ignored us. One shop owner was so kind and friendly. My daughter asked about a particular piece of furniture. It was amazingly large and there were hinges on the top. I told my daughter I thought it might be a piano. She went to the shopkeeper and asked and was told that it was indeed a grand piano (disguised as an enormous table) and she also very kindly told my daughter about some of its history.  My other daughter asked about a particular purse. Again, this lovely woman took the time to talk to her about it. 

     Guess where we spent more money today?

     Perhaps some people do not notice these things. Perhaps they just complain about the ones who are not as friendly.

      I don't know.

      I do know that I really really wanted to bring that piano home... Ahhh.. another day, another house, another lifetime.

      Today was exactly what was needed. On a nice car trip with plenty of spontaneous stops, there is time to chat and discuss things without being interrupted. It is a good time to talk about the new things we are seeing, ponder what life is like in these small isolated communities.

      Does friendliness matter? Of course it does. I can tell you that if you are interacting with the public, you not just be representing yourself. You are representing the company you work for, and sometimes, you are representing your community.

     I tell my daughters this when we are out. I remind them that they may be the only example someone sees of their family, their school and their town, so they need to be polite.

    Today, I reminded them of this more than once because somehow, they were both wearing T-shirts that clearly identified one of those "representation" issues.

     Yes, I am sure there is more to those not so interactive people we spoke to today. I am sure that at least one of them was probably just having a "bad" day because they were working on a holiday weekend. 

     I won't see them tomorrow, or next weekend, or probably ever again. I was in their businesses only today.

     

Made in the U.S.A......

 I thought of a list. People keep asking, "What do YOU suggest?"
    Well, here it is.

How to help turn things around in this country:

1. Reduce spending... I mean EVERYONE. Businesses, CEO's, government, and individuals. If you don't absolutely need it, don't buy it.
2. If you must spend, make sure you are spending your money on American made products and American services. No exceptions. If that cannot be done, see rule #1 and hope a U.S. Citizen invents something just like it.
3. Stop accepting marketing as fact. Demand actual facts proven using scientific method.
4. Perhaps the citizens of this country should all sign a legal document accepting that if they cannot follow steps 1, 2 or 3, they will be sanctioned with higher taxes for each infraction as well as rationing.
5. Insist on better quality of foods. No more exceptions based on financial gain. Consider the long term gain. What on earth are we feeding and nourishing the future leaders of this country with?
6. Insist on better education standards. It is not okay that children from third world countries are able to speak and write better English than our own children and adults are able to.
7. Remember that we have a common goal and that each of us bears the responsibility of ensuring that we reach that goal. It is not the President's fault, or your neighbor's fault. Stand up and be accountable for the affect your choices have on this economy.
8. Again, every single person in this country needs to pay down their debt. If it is a habit shared by all, it will also be a habit in Washington.
9.  Insist on respect. No matter your party affiliation or your personal views, use the correct title when addressing the President. It shows that you have pride in yourself and your country. So, no more "Obama said" or "Bush said". That would be President Obama and former President Bush.
10. Learn the flag code. This again falls under self respect and the respect of our nation. (It just happens to be a pet peeve of mine... once you know the flag code, you will see the violations everywhere.)
11. Learn what the U.S. Constitution actually says. Not someone else's interpretation of what the authors "really meant". Read it, learn it, and THEN speak your point.
12. Know where your money comes from and where it is going. Every time we purchase goods or services from another country, we are investing in the people of that country. Learn where the money trails are in your life and see what changes you can make to invest locally, in America.

Ahhh.. now I feel a bit better. Notice I do not have solutions for everything. I can only do so much.. Besides... these are the top irritants in MY life.
       Basically, we need to quit blaming and making excuses and just plain do better. ALL of us. We could all use some improvement, but if we were to all focus on these things, our country would have to become stronger. We would create more jobs by needing factories to create all of the things that we are currently importing.
        In my own personal dream world, politicians are qualified volunteers who must work as a team... oh... and they must also undergo a polygraph test while participating in any speeches or debates... Ahhh.. but alas.. it is simply my dream.
       If I were to add a few more of my petty irritants it would include:
     It is not permissible to write natural cheese flavor on a package if no actual natural cheese was used.
      Well, just add chocolate and fruit to the list of "flavor" misleading statements on packaging.
      Regulate all vitamins, herbs and supplements. Natural substances can be as powerful and as toxic as prescription medications and should be treated as such.
      Do not use the label "One size fits all"... it's just mean to shorter people, taller people and fluffier people.
      Do not allow your pet to defecate on public or private property without cleaning it up properly.
      Read the nutrition guidelines and do an honest evaluation in your home. If it does not even resemble anything found in nature, and no natural products were harmed in the making of it, it is not food, it is filler... Water, corn syrup and flavoring should NEVER be called juice. If only 10% is juice, it should not be called juice.
     
     You see, it's not that I believe the public is stupid, but honestly, if you had to read the legal fine print on everything every day, how much would you accomplish? This is exactly what it feels like reading food labels. This does NOT have to be that complicated. Actual truth in labeling would help.
     This also applies to the MPG rating on car stickers. Quit moving the rules... Use the scientific method for data collection and just print it... Do not alter the data based on what you would like the outcome to be... that is dirty and it is a lie.
     Let's quit allowing marketing to dictate our poor choices and demand better. If we insist on better, the marketing will change also to reflect the respect and pride we have in ourselves.

     
     

Potatoes and Trash Cans

   I am the sum of my experiences.

   Well, that is not entirely correct. Although my life may seem terminally unique, I am aware of several people who have had very similar experiences. Each of us reacts to our experiences differently.

    So, I am the sum of my inherited traits and my experiences.

    Why on earth does this matter today?

     I am constantly reminded by life how much I am like my father. I have reacted a bit differently to my experiences, but in some ways, I begin the process the same way my father does. I have the same initial reaction, it is simply my actions that are a bit different.

      Today, my grandfather informed me that I am a lot more like him than I think.

       He is wrong.

       I think about this often. This is where my dad and I are different. My actions are much more like my grandfather.

       My grandfather and my father are NOTHING alike. When I say nothing, I mean short of being tall and human males who are married, I can think of nothing.

        So how on earth can I be so much like both of them?

       It is what it is.

        Now, to complicate things even further, I am who I am.

       I am not having an identity crisis. Quite the contrary. I am saying I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I like.

      There was a time I could not say that. When I was twenty, I realized that I had no idea who I was. I was young and I was lost. I could relate with nobody around me. I was so different. I was from such a different background. I did not fit into anyone's stereotypical mold.

      That frightened me. I was looking for a direction to go, but it seemed the choices were endless. It seemed that if I knew some people like me, that I could simply follow their path.

       Hmmm... I would imagine a lot of people go through this in one manner or another. Some wait until midlife to do it with pizazz though.

      Either way, I have obviously made peace with that girl.

      It was a process. It began with asking myself one day if I really wanted butter on my popcorn at the theater.

      I know that sounds stupid, but every time I went to the movies, I shared popcorn with my date, which inevitably meant that my popcorn was buttered.

      I don't like butter on my potato or my pancakes, and I didn't really care for popcorn, but what if regular, plain popcorn tasted good?

      So, one night, I got my own, non-buttered popcorn.

      And so it began. I was living the on/off switch test of life. I questioned everything.

      Do I really like these colors? Do I like going to the movies? Am I happy?

      Basically, it really could have been simpler. I could have just said, "I don't have to be like anyone else."

       Perhaps it was so challenging for me because there were so few differences at my school.  We were all within a very narrow margin of similar incomes. There were no great extremes of background. Everyone had a parent/guardian in the military or in some sort of government service. That was the only way to attend that school.

      We were not so different.

      So here I am. I don't really care for popcorn at all thank you.       I tell myself often that none of us are really that different. We are all people trying to live on this planet and do the best we can for our families. I believe that there is a psychological movement happening... that movement where nobody is really correctly verbalizing, but we are all thinking the same things, "I should do better."

       I believe that most of us truly do want to do better. I believe that most of us do the occasionally head smack, WHY?

       I am not a child. I am somewhere on my way to old ladyhood. Yet, last week I really gave myself a good head smack.

       I have peeled potatoes my entire life bent over a trash can so that I do not make a mess with the peel. That seemed intelligent, except that afterwards, the small of my back always ached a bit. (Maybe because that position and my spina bifida do not get along well.)

       Now, at the ripe old age of "shoulda' known better", I put the trash can on top of a bucket. Now I do not have to bend. I peeled 20 lbs of potatoes last week and did not get a back ache. VIOLA!

       I am thankful that I am always learning. I may not be twenty years old now, but I am still finding ways to make life better for me and for my family. I am thankful that I am not afraid to try to do something differently.

        

     

      

Lemonade

    I guess I never really understood that saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

    It actually seemed like a pretty negative saying to me. I like lemons. Just the smell of lemons makes me smile.

    Okay, so I digress again.

    Now I get it. Some of the most bitter and irritable people I know have taught me all about this saying.

     I am not Miss Positivity by any means. I actually spend far too much time trying to weigh out the probability of things that will go wrong. I know that about myself.

    However, when it comes right down to it, I tend to work with what I have rather than being so burdened by what I do not have.

    For example: I live in Oklahoma. If you do not live in Oklahoma, you may not realize the intense gravity of that statement.

     Let me explain myself better.

     Oklahoma is rather perplexing. We have bitter cold windy winters with ice storms that do tremendous damage...a brief tornado and hail filled spring, followed by blazing hot summers. In the fall, we generally get to add torrential rain and floods to the mix. It is not easy street here.

     We are accustomed to helping each other out of our driveways in the winter and cleaning up each others yards and homes after springs storms.

      I say Oklahoma is perplexing because the difference in "natives" and "new people" is astounding.

      My children attended a school with a pretty large percentage of military kids. These were military families that moved frequently and every spring, the first NOAA storm warning would bring out the difference.

      The families inevitably will cluster in the halls and/or the parking lot asking questions: How far away is it? How soon will it get here? Do I have time to? Should we go for shelter now?

      You can see the sense of urgency. They want to hurry up and get prepared, get it over with and move on. They want to know if it will be attacking their house.

      I have always stopped. Explained the location of the cities mentioned in the warning and the direction of the storm.

      Again, inevitably, they load their children quickly and race away with their new plans.

      Natives, or those of us who have lived here for several years, don't generally do this.

      Why?

       Yes, there are the jokes about the Okies standing outside watching the tornadoes, and yes, often, we do go outside to get a sense of things, however, when the storms are really close, or even in our city, we do not play around. We get to our shelter area with order. There is no rushing or mad scramble.

      Generally, we have known for hours that the storm is on its way.

      The people of Oklahoma have a pretty good reputation for being easy going, laid back and willing to help.

     Guess what, the people of Oklahoma are always in training for this.

     The best and worst example of this was the May 1999 tornadoes.

     That series of tornadoes was so devastating, so monumental, and yet, the morning after was similar to the morning after many other storms.

     I was 5 months into a high risk pregnancy when that storm hit, so I could not do much to help, but I will say that as soon as the sun came up, my husband along with everyone else I knew, got up, put on work boots, jeans and grabbed gloves.

     They each left their homes to go help those who either no longer had a home, or those who had wreckage and debris all over their homes.

     I stayed home and started to cook food from our freezer. This was a bad storm and we had no idea how long we would not have power.

     I found out later that night that I wasn't the only one who did this. Many neighborhoods had large cookouts to use up foods in the freezers and to feed those who were working. We had many guests for dinner and many who came to use our showers.

     We have done the same for ice storms. We are very fortunate that although our home was not destroyed by those tornadoes, we benefited from the underground power lines that were installed after that storm. We have not yet lost power, so many times, we have had overnight guests who needed a warm place to be during the power outages.

    It is what we do. Most of us do not do this for recognition, we do it because of the Golden Rule. Someday that might be us looking for warmth, food, a shower or a helping hand with tornado debris.

     Like I said, Oklahoma gets a lot of training and practice. We get regular reminders to follow that Golden Rule. There are always plenty of opportunities to make a phone call and offer help.

     Now, as for those who get cranky every time it rains, or complain when things weren't the way they planned.... I don't know what will help them. There are a few of those living here in Oklahoma too. They seem to be impervious to the light and beauty of humanity.

     Now, the reason I am writing this.

     There has been no tornado, ice storm or power outage, yet I am at home. I cannot leave. Okay, I feel that way a bit and it is funny. I could call a friend, call a cab, whatever...

     I have two flat tires and the business I trust with my car is closed for the holiday.

     I have everything I need. I intended to stay home today anyway to get a few things done.

    Somehow just knowing that I cannot go anywhere has created a list in my head of all of the things I would like to get at the stores, or visit downtown... I laugh when I catch myself doing it. Ooooh, I should go get more fruit for this week, or dog food, or I forgot there is an art exhibit this weekend, that would be fun to go to...

      I laugh because it shows me that I have exactly the same expectations/wants/desires...and that not being able to just drive away is indeed an inconvenience.

     It is just that. An inconvenience. I know it will not last forever. I know that this will be repaired tomorrow. I know that I could use a different business today. I could borrow a "donut" from a neighbor and troll around on two spares... (INSANE) or I could call a cab or rent a car.

     It is just an inconvenience. It is just for today. I have plenty of laundry to catch up on and I really needed to finish a gift for a friend today. Those were the reasons I wanted to stay home.

     Thankfully, not only do I have everything I need, but I do know someone that I entrust with my car repairs. My car travels on the highway with my children so I am pretty particular who I allow to work on it. Thankfully, I had already planned on staying home today. Thankfully, nobody needs me today. I could go on and on and on.

    Each day, we have a choice. We can look at the blessings, gifts and choices we do have, or we can focus on all of those things that we do not have.

         There are cranky bitter people who do indeed seem to be impervious to the joy and good. To those people, I would say, why don't you follow me around for a few months? I have a few challenges to deal with that you might need to help with. Or maybe they should go volunteer to help at the shelter or crisis center. Getting out of your own misery and helping someone find comfort or food tends to help most get through the bitter cranky stage of life.  If you are that cranky, go do something for someone else. Read to a lonely person in a nursing home. Do SOMETHING. There is something to be said for just getting up and doing something for someone else.

     I don't know what my saying would be but it still would not be about lemonade, because honestly, if I had a couple of bags of lemons right now, I would make a lovely pina colada lemonade recipe that I have been just dying to try. I have my bad days, my mopey days, but I cannot imagine a day when a bag of lemons would not cheer me.

    See my point? I need a new cliche. I love lemons way too much!