For as long as I can remember, I have had problems sleeping. In fact, I can remember being awake enough to try to scream, but not being able to actually scream when I was very very young.
Correction, for a brief time after my brain injury, I was able to sleep peacefully for approximately 20 hours per day... No nightmares, no waking up to walk around and "shake it off"... Just blissful sleep.
Okay, so now my body is "over it". I am back to pacing, reading, and other ridiculous things to try to slip into unconscious oblivion.
Recently, my doctor commented that I didn't look well rested... (That was a nice way of saying I looked pretty bad, don't you think?)
About every 7-10 years, I give in and take a few prescription sleeping medications for a few days, just to catch up a bit.
I tried this again.
Let me say that getting older is NOT improving any sleeping issues.
Night number one: I took the first pill at around 9:30 p.m. I walked dutifully to bed and waited to drift off. Nothing. The instructions say NOT to walk around as I may suddenly fall asleep and injure myself. At 10:30, I took a chance. I got up and walked back to the kitchen to take pill number two.
This became a bit more entertaining for my husband at this point. At around 11 p.m., I began to hallucinate that people were in my home. Apparently I was dreaming while walking around with my eyes open. I was aware that I was yelling at people who were not there, but could not seem to be aware enough to shut up.
Lovely.
Somewhere around 3:30 a.m., I finally drifted off.
I woke up at 7:30 as usual and began another day.
Night number two: After night number one, I was definitely not feeling confident, so I had asked for the second prescription. (I am allowed to pills of one and one of the other. Combining them is supposed to tranquilize a horse.)
I began the ritual again at 9:30 taking one of each pill. I was more than a little annoyed at 10:30 when I added the other pill. On this night, I drifting in and out of sleep after midnight, but continued to talk and yell all night long.
This is not working well for anyone now. My entire family is laughing at me, but exhausted also.
Night number three: I give up all pretense that a single dose of anything is going to put me to sleep. I take all three pills at once.
At first, this seems to be working better. I am feeling a bit buzzed and woozy pretty quickly. I meander my way to bed.
I did fall asleep at around 1:30 a.m.... I felt like I was actually sleeping... at first.. then suddenly I am surrounded by uniformed officers who are trying to kill me. My family woke me up because I was apparently shouting, "Somebody tell me how to release the safety so I can shoot all of the cops!" ~ My "sleep" is now definitely interrupting everyone else's rest.
Now, in case you have never met me, I am the most law abiding citizen you will meet. I am terrified of getting into "trouble" of any kind. Shooting police officers is just not how I roll.
Needless to say, there was no night number four. I went back to the doctor, told him that I am apparently crazy beyond help and informed him that I would not be taking any more of the sleep aids. After all, when I have had enough of the four hour nights in a row, I eventually collapse from exhaustion and get a seven hour night. This may not sound like utopia, but it is better than having my children hear me scream about shooting the police.
Other than the brain injury, there have actually been a few times that I have slept well. Usually when anesthesia is involved, but even then, I am hard to sedate and I usually hear the nurse informing the doctor that I am still conscious and the doctor ordering, "Push another one." Many of my doctors have commented about this and asked me if I have ever had any addiction issues...
Let's review the law abiding portion of this blog. Nope. Too afraid.
For whatever reason, I am difficult to sedate/tranquilize/whatever. Yes, when I mentally noted the times I have rested peacefully, I did wish that we could do anesthesia at home.
Oh, but wait.
There was a very very famous person that was able to do that and it didn't work out very well for him.
Ugh...
So here I am.... trying to relax... trying to slow the millions and millions of thoughts and questions in my mind.
My doctor believes my sleeplessness is caused by PTSD.. I am pretty doubtful that is the cause... although, I must admit, for months after the brain injury, even when I was able to stay awake for 8 hours per day, when I slept, it was the quietest, most restful sleep I have ever had....
Tempting, but as my neurologist is certain another brain injury or concussion will not work out well for me, I guess I will not whack myself in the head with a hammer...or anything else.
So when you are asking me how I have time to get everything done that I do, or asking me how I got one idea or another... now you know. I simply have more hours in the day.
Sigh.
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