Adjustments

    The term well adjusted always makes me smirk. I have no idea what this actual concept is. I have found adjustments to be particularly painful in my life.
   When I was fourteen, I found out I have spina bifida when I lost the ability to walk. After months of physical therapy, I was able to resume normal activities, but I lost a little trust in my life's course. My youngest daughter was in and out of the hospital the first two years of her life and when my second daughter was born fat, pink, healthy and breathing on her own, I cried for joy.  Six months later, that super healthy baby was in the hospital with meningitis, whooping cough and encephalitis.  For five long excruciating days, we waited to see if she would wake up at all. Two years ago, my oldest daughter found me not breathing and called for help. A couple of months after that, my heart stopped and I was left with a brain injury. For a while, I was unable to speak well, read, or understand what was going on around me. I had difficulty walking without assistance.
    If you were paying attention, you noticed that all of these events were adjustments in my life. You also noticed that I used phrases like, "for a while". 
     I have no idea where the path of my life would have taken me if I had not had several "adjustments".   I have no idea if it would have been just as interesting, horrible, or blissful beyond dreams. I only know the path my life has taken. I was able to walk again, my oldest daughter now lives a fairly normal life, my youngest daughter survived meningitis. I am writing this, so perhaps you have guessed that I can speak, read and understand.
    It is what it is.. I have been adjusted.  I do not understand people who say they have not been through anything like this. The concept of a life free of these events is completely foreign to me. I have no ability to even picture it.  I know that as three of us in our little family have faced death head on, we don't take this time for granted. We do not have the arrogance of "That will never happen to us".  We simply do not have that luxury.  After my heart surgery, my surgeon went to the waiting room to apologize to my family and friends as the surgery had taken longer than expected.  He began with, "Her defect was in a very unusual area."  There was no reaction, so he continued, "This heart condition is fairly rare and her particular defect is only found in approximately 3% of patients with her condition."  My friends rolled their eyes and smiled. 
   "Of course it is the most rare and bizarre." They all said.  When I returned to work three days later, we joked about it. They said the surgeon really did not seem to understand their reaction. Everyone smiled. Nobody panicked.  He did not realize that I have seen plenty of rare and bizarre adjustments before.
     The miracles in life are easy for me to see.  I could walk for 14 years before anyone noticed that I had spina bifida. I can walk now.  My oldest child was born completely black from oxygen deprivation. She is now a very smart young woman. My youngest nearly died when three horrifying illnesses attacked her little body. She is totally deaf on one side and yet has no speech problems and scores off the charts on tests.  My heart stopped. Nobody knows exactly why it restarted, but it did. I could not understand basic commands. Now I am in college classes, working two jobs and creating fantastic projects to do with my children.
   I know miracles. I never ever take them for granted. I know that the doctors finding and destroying the extra pathway in my heart was a miracle. Many are diagnosed in autopsy.
   We are more in touch with that phrase, "Tell them you love them, you never know." at my house. We do not live under a dark cloud of fear. We do not allow it to take our peace at night. We do pull over and take a picture of a rainbow. We say what we mean. We know that everyone will get over it and move on if we tell the truth, no matter how unpleasant.  We also know that we have said "I love you" the last time we saw each other.
    Adjustments in my life have not been subtle. They have been more like a car being "adjusted" by a train at impact, but they have all been important. I do not begrudge you the dream of the "perfect" life, free from worries or the terror of "almost" losing a child. Hold on to your dream if it is really helping you.  If not, then focus on the "almost".  Meningitis, encephalitis and pertusis did not take my child from me. Spina bifida did not take away my ability to chase my children. Wolff Parkinson White did not take my life.  Each of these "adjustments" has made me who I am.