Waves

   When I was a child, I lived on the beach several times. No matter the ocean, there is something completely comforting about the sound of the waves rolling into the beach.  That WHOOoooSH,.... WHOOooSH... My favorite feeling is not the hot tropical beaches, but the salty moist wet air combined with that sound on a 60 degree day.

    It is perfection to me.

    If that sound were to ever frighten me; if it were to every become uncomfortable, it would be pointless to try to stop the waves. They keep coming. Over and over.

    I'm trying to remind myself of this right now.  If the water does not go out, if it does not wash away, it cannot come back. It cannot roll in with that lovely white cap and wash over my feet.  If I try to chase the water, it will be above my head when the next wave washes in...

    It's like that right now.  I so desperately want a feeling that compares to that cool water running across my bare feet.  I want that sense of soothing.

   Instead, I am feeling the scorching hot sand with no relief. Or so it seems.

   Yesterday, I was simply overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the financial responsibility, overwhelmed with the sheer number of things that are going on, and overwhelmed by waves of loneliness.  I cried off and on all day. I would find comfort and peace, only to see somthing else that reminded me of the absolute enormity of our situation.

    Yesterday, in addition to my husband being in the hospital, he had an episode of internal bleeding, my water heater broke, my crock pot cracked and he had another episode of bleeding.

   Yesterday was one of those uphill both ways type of days.

   Today, I feel a little better. I am still absolutely terrified. I have made arrangements for the children to stay with someone else for the day, just in case the surgeon comes out early, or way too late. 

    Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow, the surgeons are expecting him to be in surgery for five hours.

    I am preparing my house as if he is going to come home on schedule. I am preparing my finances and my heart in case he is never coming home at all. I am preparing words to say to my children either way.

    I can prepare all day long. I can prepare into the wee hours of the night. It's a little like chasing the waves out into the ocean at this point. It is more a way to wear myself out and leaves me vulnerable to drowning when the wave comes back in.

    As I mentioned, yesterday was awful.  My head was pounding when I woke up. I have a medical condition that causes this and had not picked up my medicine due to all of the "preparing" I have been doing.  I said a prayer and asked God to please give me a way to take away the pain without leaving me unable to drive....

    Two hours later, I was doing laundry and a bottle of muscle relaxers fell onto my feet.  Very funny, I thought to myself. This bottle was OLD.  I had maybe taken one or two after a car accident years ago. I tossed the bottle into the trash. I don't know where they came from.

    It's not as if there are random prescription bottles roaming loose in our home.

    It was funny though.  It reminded me that I made peace with God a LONG time ago.  I am not afraid that God will let him die because he is so.... (whatever).  I am not afraid that God will let him die to punish me.  I am not afraid of God.  God 'gets' my need to prepare and understands.. God also understands my sense of humor. God also knows that I will be just fine either way. I'm the one that doesn't catch on as quickly.

    That bottle of pills made me smile.

    Later, we stopped at the Jack in the Box drive through to order drinks.  It is soooo hot now. I was still crying off and on and I ordered our drinks and heard, "Why don't you pull up here and give me $7.00 at this second window?" in the best Wanda Sykes voice ever.

    I smiled. It was the first real smile I had felt since the bottle of pills had landed on my foot.

     I did as she asked, pulled up and paid, and touched her hand. I told her I LOVED her voice and that just by speaking, she had brightened my day.

    She was gracious and smiled. She thanked me and told me sometimes people tell her that she sounds like Wanda Sykes. I laughed, "That is exactly what I thought!" I smiled at her again.

    She will never know.  She will never know that my puffy eyes and smeared make up needed her to tell me to give her $7.00.

    I hope someone makes her smile today.

    Thankfully, I was not so filled with tears and self pity that I missed out on this moment. That opportunity to thank someone else was exactly what I needed. I needed to step back closer to the beach...I was drowing while chasing the waves. I needed her unexpected funny voice right then. 

    What does Wanda Sykes have to do with anything? Exactly. That is probably why I was able to stop crying for the rest of the day. The first wave and reminder to step back was the pill bottle... Apparently that was not enough.

    It all comes in waves.