It is getting more difficult to ignore that this is affecting us. Usually, I would talk to him if I need to talk things out, or get an opinion, or just figure out how to do something.
I am getting quieter. I am not talking as much. There are just so many things that I don't want to say.
I finally asked the other day...
When he came home from the hospital, he was walking the seven blocks to the store two or three times each day. He would walk around our little block several times each day.
The second week, he was able to increase this. He was able to walk to the store several times each day and take several mini walks also.
It looked like he was making progress. It looked like he was on a path to continue to increase his exersize steadily.
The last couple of weeks, he has been able to walk to the store one or two times each day. He has made fewer trips around our block.
He has a history of procrastination, so I finally asked. I asked if it was because he couldn't do it, or if it was because he simply wasn't doing it.
I am gone a lot. I work, I help to take care of my grandparents... I have things that have to be done away from this home.
I hadn't realized that he was also sleeping more.
His answer was the answer I had been dreading. "I get too tired. I can't do as much."
I had already noticed that he is sweating in his sleep again, a sign that his heart is having to work too hard.
I had already noticed that sometimes his coloring was just not right.
I didn't want to hear that he is feeling worse.
He is also starting to have more tingling and numbness in his hands again. He has already contacted the doctor. The chest pains are definitely worsening.
There is only so much that can be done.
It is the middle of the afternoon and he is sleeping again. He has always been the kind of person that could take a nap in the afternoons. Now it is more than napping. He can sleep for hours.
His employer sent us a letter last week saying they had only approved his leave through today. They finally sent us a letter later this week saying that he is approved through Thanksgiving. They are not making this easy.
His doctor sent them a letter requesting he be off of work until after the New Year. She sent this letter three weeks ago.
As I write this, I am releasing the anger I have towards his employer. I cannot waste any time on them.
Today I bought the usual vegetables and fruits. Today I planned our regular meals. At our house we usually do not do desserts. Those are for special occasions. Today I bought a pecan pie. He loves pecan pie. I find pecan pie to be too...everything for me, but he loves it. I bought one for him.
I don't really know what else I can possibly do. I don't know how else to be.
I know that I can feel a shift. We just are not joking around as much. The kids seem to be doing well. They are doing their normal activities for the most part, just more quietly. He is often asleep in the front room.
I pray that everything is the way it is supposed to be. I pray that there is mercy and grace for all of us.
Just in case you are feeling generous.....
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