Free Falling

    He is having more chest pains. He is out of breath easily.

    Last night, I walked into the house and he was laying on the sofa. He was bright red and it looked like he was really working to breathe. I motioned for the kids to stay back for just a moment.

    I took his pulse. At first it was 43. I checked it again. It was 45. How could he be bright red? He is breathing so slowly and his pulse is so slow.

    A few minutes later, he was awake, a little more alert and his pulse was 62.

    I had almost called an ambulance. Maybe I should have.

    Today has been up and down.

    Someone told me that I looked tired.

     Yes, I look tired. Not only am I exhausted, but I just really don't feel like putting the concealer and spackle on today. I am "as-is". I am waking up intermittently throughout the night to check on my husband. Is he breathing? Did he take his medicine? Is he swelling?

     There are so many things that I feel like I am wrestling with? I wish I had the audacity to put them all into words. Maybe later I will.

     Unfortunately, the practicality of life supersedes what is going on. I must go to work tomorrow. I must run to the pharmacy every week. I must still make a schedule for the girls.

     I don't want to.

     I want to go to the park and walk around.

     I want to go on a vacation and be blissfully unaware.

     I want to hand tickets to him and say, "Here is that trip you wanted to go on..."

     I would venture that he is not well enough to travel. I would guess it would be too hard on him right now anyways.

     For now. I will make dinner. I will get out a game that we can play together. I will make a pitcher of homemade strawberry lemonade. I will rearrange the kitchen. I will stay busy.

     For now, I will take a deep breath, I will walk in there and smile. I will not allow this to destroy my time.

     I will not lie. I do not feel "grown up" enough to deal with this. I never do. I am a scared child praying to God every night to help remove my fear. I am asking that He bring comfort to us all.

     My darkest moments are when he says he is not worried or scared. He says he is ready. He has made peace already.

     Here is the honest truth. I have not.

     Perhaps it sounds stupid, but I flinch when I pick up my camera, like maybe taking that family picture will be like agreeing that it is okay and I am ready. I don't want everything to be so ready. I don't want to tie up loose ends anymore. I want to take it all for granted if that means I get to keep him a little longer.

     Needless to say, I am not ready for anything other than positive recovery. I guess I will just have to keep taking one step at a time. I can do no more. At this point, there is so little I can do.

     Perhaps I needed this message again. This message of free falling helplessly to see how things really are.

                  

   

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