Grace

I started this blog with the intention of simply sharing a few thoughts, taking a few life notes, or just taking up space on the internet. When I signed up, I promised myself I would not take more than five minutes away from my life to do this. I have been so overwhelmed by my second chance, not in a heavy way, but in a way that makes me want to appreciate everything just a little more.
Everyone reacts to change differently. I have been very fortunate. A lot of people dealing with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) will have problems with being afraid or even extreme paranoia. Some have anger issues about what was "taken away" from them. If I had these issues, I simply do not remember. I honestly do not know how I feel or maybe I just do not have any feelings about the injury itself. It happened. I did not intend for it to happen. I certainly do not remember wishing that I could not speak, read or even have my own initial thoughts, but it happened. I don't know if I was even very worried about it. I know from my notes that I felt stupid and embarrassed by the way I spoke. I sounded like I was drunk. My speech was slurred and I often just did not understand the questions asked.
Like it or not, it happened. Fortunately, I have recovered in just about every way. There are a few things that just appear to be different. I have balance issues...so much for rock climbing. I have memory issues..ah well. I have learned that maybe my memory issues have allowed me more freedom. I rarely find myself too worried about anything, because generally, until I look at my notes or in my calendar, all is forgotten.
My recovery has changed my perspective most of all. I know now how truly important the love of others really is. When I didn't know what was going on, those who loved me stayed in contact. I was unable to drive for quite a while, and yet I was at many many doctor's appointments. If I wandered off, people looked for me. I was not the nameless, faceless person in the crowd that I felt. I was loved and well cared for.
I soon was able to see that I had a different focus than I originally thought. I was so sure that if I quit my current job, that the result would be homelessness. I was sure that I would never be able to provide Kendra's life saving medication. In January, I could see that in spite of working more than full time, I still spent every free moment at the school. I was not only helping out when asked, but creating reasons to be there. My focus is the school. My joy is in teaching someone something they did not already know. My thanks is having several fifth graders tell me how much they love science now.
It is bittersweet to begin this new journey. I know that I will still be in touch with my friends. I know that I am about to see more joy in my life..but I also know that it will be terribly painful to let go. I am tearing up as I write this because it is difficult. I have grown accustomed to seeing the wonderful faces of friendship. I have loved our conversations, our jokes and our day to day banter. I know I still have room in my heart for friends both old and new, but I will miss the day to day smiles and "Mornin' ". I have room for each of your stories in my new life also. I will never be too busy for a good laugh, or a chance to remind you that I care and I love you.
I could not have imagined one year ago that things would be so different today. I could not have predicted this massive change in my life any more than I could have predicted the day that my heart stopped. Either way, each has happened. Not very many people can say "My heart stopped, I fell and injured my brain, couldn't speak, couldn't read...and it is all okay." I am one of the most fortunate people I have ever met. When I was younger, I was even in a wheelchair for a while when paralasis from my spina bifoda took the use of my legs. How many people are there who have relearned so much? I am a walking, reading, talking example of grace. I'm not graceful, but I am kept by grace and I wish to remember that and pass that on to others whenever possible.
Please know that whenever we should meet again, at any time, I will be ready to tell you "Good Morning" and give you my biggest smile! May grace keep you also in the mean time.