In the Blink of an Eye

   I am not going to lie. I am hyperventilating every time I think about tomorrow.
    Tomorrow his parents will be here.
    Tomorrow, we will be the cruelest people ever.
    Tomorrow, we will tell them what we know.
    I was so overwhelmed by everything, it never occurred to me that they would be relieved that he came home from the hospital. They took that to be a sign that he was better.
    This was his shortest hospital stay so far.
     Why didn't I see that coming?
    Okay, so we didn't tell them everything. A phone call didn't seem appropriate for this. Travelling with this information seemed cruel.
     We thought just knowing he had just had yet another heart attack would be more than enough stress for their long journey here.
     It never occurred to me until I heard the relief and excitement in their voices when they called me that night.
     How on earth are we going to do this?
      I see chaos ensuing.
     His brother died just before his 18th Birthday from cancer. They have already suffered so much.
      Nobody should have to worry so much for their children.
      And yet.....
      Tomorrow.
      We will tell them what the doctors have told us. We will tell them what we are preparing for. We will tell them that we are okay.
       Are we?
       I am terrified.
       Perhaps there will be a miracle. Perhaps this is one more instance where medical science just cannot predict what is next. After all, no one could have predicted how badly this would all go so far...perhaps it will turn around just as mysteriously.
       I push the thoughts from my mind. All of them. I need to be as clear as possible. I need to remember what is important.
       What on earth is important?
       He is making peace with himself. He is making peace with God. He is deciding who he really is as a person right now.
       Perhaps this is a cruel joke. Maybe there was a mistake. Maybe all of the tests were from someone else...
       I push the thoughts aside again.
       If it is wrong, it would indeed be a miracle.
       It is what it is. Nobody on earth can change this.
       The heart damage is too extensive. All of the arteries and veins are failing. All three bypass grafts failed.
       How is this possible?
       Perhaps because no matter how gifted the surgeon, a person's body cannot be forced to heal. His body does not want to heal.
       The doctors do not know why.
       They believe he was born with this condition. They stated last time that his condition was so shocking.
        He just had his 43rd Birthday. Will he see 44? We do not know. Nobody was willing to even mention one year.
        Nobody. Not one doctor or nurse or surgeon suggested a year.  Last time there was discussion about ten years...perhaps with a miracle, 30 years...
       This time is different.
       I never ever want to hear what his parents are about to hear. No parent does. No parent should.
       Every day, someones mother is walking through this.
      Every day, we should find compassion and love for those who are carrying such large pain.
       Tomorrow, I will pray for them. I will pray for us. I will sit quietly and support my husband. This will be hard for him. He is still coming to grips with this himself.
       Our only positive choice right now is to treat each day as a gift. We should have been doing that every day of our lives.