Reactions

   The reaction of other people has been quite extreme.
   I have seen everything from ,"Wow" to "Oh, so and so lived for eight years after...." and just about everything in between.
    I do not understand.
    I do understand.
    I really do not know what to do with this information.
     Sometimes, I think he should create a "bucket list" and we should have a fundraiser, make t-shirts and make a big fireworks deal out of it.
     Sometimes I think we should just roll out of bed and live the best life we can live that day.
     Sometimes I don't think.
     I catch myself realizing that I have not completed "X" task yet. These things need to be done so that I can put this aside and continue on.
     I want to put aside the living will and advanced directive also. If I put them aside then we can be okay again.

     And then I catch myself thinking about next summer. What type of flowers will I grow? How large will my garden be? And inevitably, what if he is not here?
    
    His parents are here now, but they are planning to go home later this week.
    I didn't expect that.
    I thought they would stay longer.
    I don't know what to say to them anymore.
    I don't know how to do this.
   
    I have no idea what I am doing. Last night, I kept waking up to the phrase, "Five months and one week" in my head. Then I would correct myself with "90 days ago we were told he had good blood flow". 
     My brain likes numbers. My brain likes patterns. The entire rest of my body is rejecting these numbers and patterns.
      I met another cardiologist today. He is one of the most well liked and respected in this area. I met him and noticed all of the things that I notice. Military style haircut, nice suit but not too arrogant. Nice shoes, but they don't say, "custom made in Italy" to me. Nice eyes. Kind and direct. No nonsense voice with a touch of human kindness.
     I decide I like him well enough.
     I already know that I will not believe anything any cardiologist says right now.
     It's not his fault.
     I know too much. I have since put together every comment and every memory with what was found.
     I believe it.
     It's too late for me.
     I think.
     My mind wanders around to places that I am afraid of. Hope and false hope are terrifying.
     I'm not the only one. We cannot help it.
     It is natural to reach out. It is natural to cling to things of this life and this earth.
      Then we come around again to acceptance.
      It is what it is. We have to quit wasting precious time questioning this. We don't know how long. We only know that we must not waste any of this time.
      I do not altogether understand my own reactions. I do not understand the reactions of others. I certainly could not have anticipated that those closest to him would go back to their normal lives so quickly. 
     Perhaps I am weak. Perhaps I am not faithful enough. 
     I am rattled.
     I am afraid.
     I am at peace.
     I am angry.
     I am hopeful.
     I am filled with despair.
     I am a whirlwind of reactions.
     It is what it is. It is exactly how it is supposed to be. I cannot "fake" any of this for anyone. This is too raw and too close.
      So at least for now. These are my reactions.