Sometimes Children Are Eaten

   I'm not going to lie. I am on the verge of hiding under my bed.

   Things are pretty overwhelming here.

    He has finished almost all of the paperwork that needed to be completed. He has done a few other things also.

    He is still having chest pains.

     Other things are happening. So many of us have been crying in my family this week. There are so many things going on that are just....

     We all have decisions to make. We all have difficult choices.

     I don't always know the right thing to say or do.

     Today, I asked my daughters how they were doing. Again, I told them that no matter what they were feeling, it was okay to say it. Nothing bad would happen from saying it out loud.

     One of them said, "Mom, we are not exactly living a fairy tale."

     I know.

     I don't know how we got here. My brain begins to spiral.

     I said, "Honey, be thankful we are not living a fairy tale, because in some of those stories, the children are eaten."

    She laughed.

    Thank God she laughed.

    See, I don't always know the right things to say. I didn't know what to do. Yes, I could have spiralled downhill fast with that statement.

      Yes, I know. I don't know how things could have changed so much. The bad seems to be coming from every direction right now.

      We are safe today. We have food today. We have each other today. These are the things that matter. We are clinging to these things and to the faith... The faith that we are not going through this for nothing. The faith that we will come out on the other side. The faith that we will again find joy.

       He and I are currently paralyzed. We cannot make any more decisions. We cannot arrange anything else. We cannot make any more plans. We are exhausted, both physically and emotionally from the enormity of what we are trying to do.

      I have done this. I did this all years ago. I did this because it is who I am. I did this because I had a colon cancer scare 12 years ago. I got all of my paperwork in order. It took me a year.

      He is trying to get it all completed in a week. I know why. I know that once it is all completed, we can put it all in a sealed envelope and put it away until it is needed. We can put it away and continue with regular day to day life.

      This is our hope. We would like to take the girls to the Pumpkin Patch and have our oldest roll her eyes because she is "too old" in between giggles and fun. We would like to take a few pictures to hold on to. We would like to get lost in the maze. We are going to take a break and do this. We are going to plan a break each week.

    Yes, there is a lot to do. Yes, I am still in the process of packing up my house. No, I have no idea if I will actually be moving now. There is always more to be done. More laundry, more mopping, more cooking, more maintenance. There are bills to pay and appointments to schedule.

     It can all be put aside at least once each week.

     Right now it is just after midnight.

      He just started my favorite episode of my favorite TV show and walked out the door. He said he needed to take a walk. I cannot follow him.

     He needs time to himself also sometimes. He needs to be able to have conversations with God without us.

     I want to walk with him, cell phone in hand just in case.

     I cannot do that. I can see that he already feels a bit trapped, boxed in....

     So I sit here, writing down the thoughts of the day.

     I can only deal with one tiny thing at a time. Tomorrow, I have a list written in order of what I can do. What I hope to be able to do.

     I am one person. I just hope that is enough for everything placed before me right now. I do know that I cannot insulate my children from everything. I can remind them of the blanket of comfort surrounding them. I can talk to them. I can hold them. I can console them. I can also use my resources and get more help for them also. 

     I don't know what the right things are to say or do. I know that sometimes we need to smile, and sometimes we need to cry. I know that sometimes we need a good belly laugh. I may not always get it right, and I may even get it all really wrong a few times, but I know that I will continue to try. I will continue to do as much as I can.

     That is all that has ever been asked of me. Thankfully, I do not have to be perfect. Thankfully I have grace.