I am Broken

    I keep hearing the phrase, "All the kings horses and all the kings men..." in my head.

     I am angry.

     There is more than anger.

     I don't know exactly what it is.

     I am trying so hard to rearrange things to be nearer to my grandparents. They need me.

     Right now they need me more than ever. Both of them need help.

     I have been there every single day for weeks.

     I will not be there tomorrow.

     My husband has had another heart attack.

     In less than six months, he has had two heart attacks, two stent procedures and a triple bypass.

     Today, he is alive.

     Today, I feel like a piece of me is dying.

     The news after the surgery was not great news.

      It was overwhelming news.

    

     I am in shock.

    

     I know that is what is going on. I know that my brain simply cannot process everything right now. I understand the physical and psychological impact of shock. I understand the definition and even as I feel like I am walking through a fog, I am aware that knowing that this is shock in know way clears the fog.

     I don't know what to do.

     It has only been three months since the last surgery. In three months, things have somehow gotten worse.

     He doesn't know yet.

     Maybe he does.

     I left because he was awake and looking into my eyes.

    No matter how complicated our relationship is and has been, we know each other. He knows me. He knows this upset me more than last time. He may know there is more.

     I looked up at the sky tonight. I was searching...reaching for hope. Reaching for peace amidst the turmoil.

      This has been such a hard year. This has been too much to bear several times over.

      I am not even looking for answers anymore. Why? Why simply does not matter. I know a lot of people ask why... not me.

      The reasons for everything this year simply will not affect what will happen. I also know that I will continue to walk through things no matter what happens next.

      These things do not define us. They will not consume us. We will continue to be who we were meant to be.

      

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